Wednesday, 29 May 2013

7 Cats That Changed History

The role of felines in the history of mankind is badly underrated, completely ignored even. Unfairly, as these seven cats prove.


This brave little Peruvian kitty proved its worth when many years ago it had the honour and privilege of meeting the legendary revolutionary Che Guevara, the famous and beloved freedom fighter and non-psychopath. Pacco jumped on his head, shat on it, and then swiftly scurried away...

We will cherish Pacco in our hearts. His great-grandchildren now live in the States. They are in FBI's witness protection programme.


On a clear Summer day in 1969, a cat called Lucy gained entrance onto the grounds of the Woodstock Open Air festival without a ticket. Lucy was always attracted toward the stench of trash cans and garbage bins because that's where she'd always find some food. Very similar smells permeated the air around the 300,000+ young people, so she thought it might find some food there too.

After several days, exhausted and nearly starving, she saw a couple of fat hippies eating McDonald's hamburgers. Lucy looked at them with those large, wide eyes, hoping to get a bite or two. (Cats are such moochers!) The hippies - a man and a woman - ignored Lucy and continued eating their Capitalist products. All-of-a-sudden Lucy jumped on the face of the fat hippie woman, stole half of the Fish Mac that was steal left, and in the ensuing battle with the luckless activists she violently scratched the female hippy's nose, and then bit off a part of her lower lip.

R.I.P. Lucy. We will never forget your cheerful nature.


Bogdan was born on April 15, likes eating fish, sleeps all day, and pissed into Angelina Jolie's face once.
Bogdan, you're God. Plain and simple.

Not many cats start mating before turning 8 months, but Britney was one such slut. She was exactly 5 months and 6 days old when she had her first sexual encounter. Early sex is very common among white trash street cats.

Britney also liked to meow a lot. Every night she would sit on a broken-down fence and meow, on and on, only taking breaks to shag a few interested males who happened to pass by.

One day Britney moved to a crowded human neighbourhood and started meowing there. All night long. After several such nights, the humans had had enough of the noise, and a man opened his window and through a shoe at Britney.

She was devastated. She had always thought that everyone loved her high-pitched meowing.

A week later, during a quiet afternoon, while Britney was busy getting pregnant for the third time in just 7 months, she saw the man who threw the shoe at her. Full of vengeful élan, she ran toward him, parked herself on his face - and pissed into his mouth.

That man was Sean Penn.

Contrary to all predictions, Britney is still alive and well, and working on her 39th pregnancy. May she live to be 30.

She was no spring chicken, "but beggars can't be choosers" thought Heinrich to himself and started licking his genitals. Gertrude was just across the road, and all he had to do was cross it and rape her - just the way she likes it (you know how cats are...).

But - suddenly - a pair of Emo kids saw Heinrich. Without even asking, they took him in their arms to stroke it, calling him cute names, saying what "a wonderful black cat" he was. Heinrich was so surprised by all this that he didn't even have the time to react, to escape. By the time the Emo kids finished with him, Gertrude was gone. She was nowhere to be seen.

Angry and vengeful, Heinrich followed the Emo kids for a while, and then when he saw the perfect chance he suddenly jumped onto the head of one of them, biting his left ear off. He later got hungry and ate it.

Epilogue: Heinrich did manage to mate with a virgin that February, a cat called Robin G. After the 3-second sex, he found out that she wasn't a virgin. She gave him gonorrhea, and he died a year later.

We will never forget him.


When O.J. was cleared of murder, nearly 15 years ago, his lawyers Shapiro, Cochran and Kardashian went to a bordello in downtown L.A. to relax and celebrate.
One of the prostitutes kept a pet in the house, a Siamese cat called Vesna. Just as Kardashian took his trousers off, Vesna surprised everyone by biting his left testicle off. Kardashian, screaming with pain, chased Vesna, trying to get his ball back. But it was futile. The speedy cat ran away with it, and later ate it. It wasn't much of a meal: it was a very small testicle, barely good enough as an aperitif. (It later dawned on the prostitute that she forgot to feed Vesna that day.) Vesna, may you eat whatever your heart desires, for as long as you live. I wish you the best of health.

When J.P. was born, he did not have a hair-lip. In fact, it never WAS a hair-lip. It's a cat-lip.

Catherine liked to catch butterflies, liked children, her favourite food were biscuits, she preferred mating in the month of March, and she scratched the upper lip
of Joaquin Phoenix, giving him a scar for life.

In a small park in Serbia, Catherine has a statue erected in her memory.

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