Wednesday, 29 May 2013

9 Reasons Why Lice Prefer Living On Emir Kusturica's Empty Head

A horrific, unpleasant, and shocking look at the tiny blood-sucking inhabitants that often choose Emir. 

1. He never washes it. (He thinks that makes him look more "artistic".) This means no floods at all for the lice and their families accustomed to fighting water-currents on a daily or weekly basis. Lice can't swim well - much like Balkan peasants can't direct.


2. He rarely shaves. This provides additional opportunity for lice to colonize other parts of Emir's empty head. 

Men with beards are considered exotic to lice hence more attractive as homes, because the beards serve as "islands" to the more adventurous and more easily bored lice.

3. The grease and the natural dense oils that accumulate on Emir's unwashed cranium provide almost infinite sources of fodder for his lice. Emir's head hosts some of the fattest lice ever found in human hair. Hence Emir's head is considered as a sort of Utopia or Shangri-La among all of the world's lice populations: endless supplies of food, and generally ideal conditions for lice to prosper.

Quite fitting, this, considering the Marxist leanings of this director so beloved by the French. Emir not only preaches Utopia, he practises it. A model Communist in every way (aside from his Nationalist/Far-Right tendencies when he is at home in Serbia).

4. Lice prefer heads of lesser intelligence: "a dumb enemy is a lame enemy", one of their more popular proverbs.

Before making any incursions on a human head, lice always test its owner's IQ first. Their hope is to find a head that is just as dumb as it is unhygienic: the perfect mix.

One of the ways these tiny creatures do this is by asking its candidate host to count to ten. Failure to pass this basic test gives the lice the confidence they'd found a fertile land to inhabit. 

We can see here Emir struggling somewhat after the number three, which is just the result the lice were looking for. They explode into spontaneous jubilation, and after finishing their high-fives start making immediate plans for an all-out invasion of the - in this case - extremely empty and filthy hence prize head.  

5. He never combs his hair. This means no "UFO alien attacks from space" for the lice. I.e. the "weather" on Emir's head is highly stable, making life that much easier for the tiny insects that crave stability above all else. 

6. Kusturica doesn't do much of anything, the most activity occurring when he walks from five-star hotels to red-carpet events premiering his daft gypsy dramas, and back. He doesn't do any sports, and when he plays in his idiotic "rock" band he barely even moves. As a director of Euro-trash festival-crowd film-critics-pleasing metaphor-cinema rubbish, he doesn't have to do much at all when directing, aside from shout the odd basic instruction to his much-suffering film-crew.

What all of this means is very few "earthquakes" for the physically weaker baby-lice and the elderly lice.

7. Lice, being uncultured philistines and also quite deaf, love badly played amateur folk rock. So whenever Emir grabs a semi-tuned guitar and plays a few atonal chords, the lice all rush down from his hair and eyebrows to his beard to watch the free concert - from the best seats in the house!

8. He spends much of his time downing beer and sniffing cocaine with other empty headed narcissistic celebrities, many of whom also aren't too concerned with their hygiene. This enables the lice to go on a what we medical experts call "free vacation", which consists of lice jumping from one filthy batch of hair to another - free of charge. This kind of perk is what sets Emir apart from other filthy humans, and makes him almost a god in the eyes of lice.
9. Even better, Emir's phony-baloney hugs-and-kisses Hollywood-celebrity lifestyle allows the lice to jump onto other empty celebrity heads with much more ease. Here we see Emir reacting swiftly to a camera being pointed at him and at a world-famous sporting midget; Emir immediately embraces the fat-assed dwarf, while feigning friendship and laughter.

The lice seize the chance and emigrate with great speed onto the head of the luckless Argentinian Marxist-Christian gnome. They know they must move quickly if they are to invade the dwarf's empty head, because Emir will break this seemingly intense embrace as soon as the cameraman stops filming the two media-happy clowns.


After reading the article above, Emir has made attempts to fight this embarrassing affliction. However, his attempts have been half-assed, to put it mildly.

Refusing to consult medical professionals (since he considers himself all-knowing in all matters of the world), Emir developed his own strategy - if one can call it that. After all, a winter cap is hardly going to stop lice from immigrating onto your head. The plan failed miserably.

In fact, the cap only made the lice even cozier and warmer, hence more wanted. They started multiplying quicker than ever before. Even itch-accustomed Emir was starting to get annoyed by the extra itching.

Not one to quit that easily, Emir devised a cunning new plan, which he even game a name: "The 30-Day Plan".

Cunning - if you consider placing a construction helmet as a proper anti-lice deterrent. The lice merely pronounced the event "Orange Month", to be celebrated whenever the goofy Bosnian director tries to stamp out the little pests with colourful head-gear.

Interested in finding out what Kusturica's western fans do in their spare time? 

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