Thursday, 27 June 2013

Cake Boss: Carlo's Bakery

Buddy Valastro's famous "Carlo's Bakery" has been pushing the envelope when it comes to extreme cake-making. But Buddy's fans don't know the half of it. These are the scenes that didn't make it to the TV show.

"The idea behind this cake isn't just to build the Empire State Building. As you well know, this building is primarily famous for the fact that a huge monkey climbed it back in the 30s. And then again in the 70s and again a few years ago. Altogether three monkeys climbed it, and all three were shot down by airplanes because the government doesn't allow people to climb it, let alone monkeys that just arrived to our country from some weird dinosaur island. 
Actually, I'm not sure whether it was always the same monkey or if it was three generations of monkeys - sort of like the way Grandpa Valastro built Carlo's Bakery and then let my Dad run it, and then me now. Except that we didn't get shot by the government coz we're doing something useful, unlike those silly monkeys.
In any case, I wanted to make the cake in such a way that any monkey would be instantly drawn toward it, which is why I gave it a very strong banana scent. I feel that the smell is strong enough to be felt if a monkey is within a one-mile radius of the cake. 
I hope a monkey will be close by when I deliver the cake coz I think my customers would really enjoy it if a monkey suddenly appeared out of nowhere and started climbing the cake. And not only that. The cake will have little things sticking out that will enable the monkey to climb it with more ease." 

"What if the monkey ends up eating the cake. Won't that annoy the guests who will be expecting to eat it themselves?" 

"I've thought of that. We put a special monkey-repelling ingredient into the cake that will make the monkey spit out the first piece before he even considers taking more."

"How will the repellent affect the taste for the human guests though?"

"Taste? Who gives a shit about the taste?! The cake looks great, that's what it's about. It tastes like shit, like all my fancy cakes!"

"What a great idea to place the camera on the ceiling. The viewers will feels as if a monkey is hanging looking on, waiting for an opportunity to jump on our banana Empire cake."

"I gotta say this is one of our better cakes. I am particularly pleased with the little black-and-white cow. In order to make the farm more authentic, we made the cow out of hay and original cow-dung. No chocolate or vanilla at all. The funny thing is it will probably still taste better than the rest of the cake."

"What was the idea behind this cake, Buddy?"

"We were approached by an adoption agency called Petfinder who are celebrating 20 million adopted animals. None of them are cows, but we only found that out after the cake was already done. How was I supposed to know cows don't get adopted the way cats do? 
They said it was gonna be for a huge party. But I was in total shock when we brought the cake over to them."

"Why, Buddy?"

"Coz there were no animals there at all! I expected 20 million pets at the party. Or at least a symbolic 20 to be invited for the occasion, but there wasn't one single animal there."

"Perhaps it was a party for the humans who found homes for all these animals, not for the animals themselves."

"No. I think they changed their minds about inviting pets, coz if they invited a few, the other 20 million would have been jealous and upset for not being invited too."

"So you think that's why they thought it best not to invite any at all."

"Exactly. Plus the fact that the cake tastes shit. No animal, adopted or not, would even touch it".

"What are you making there, Buddy? Why is the pizza looking slightly off-balance?"

"To tell you the truth, this damn assignment confuses me. First I didn't understand why they'd want a pizza from us instead of a cake, and then I wasn't too happy about this whole idea of having it lean at an angle."

"They ordered a pizza that would lean at an angle?"

"Yeah, would you fucking believe it? They want it to lean at a precise angle, which is almost impossible. Every time I tilt it, it slides off. What the fuck am I supposed to do to make this work?" 

"What exactly did they say they want? What were their exact words?"

"I can't remember their exact words. Something like a leaning pizza, that sort of thing."

 "Buddy, they were thinking of the Leaning Tower Of Pisa."

"So they don't want a pizza?"

"Buddy, how is work going on your Tower of Pisa?"

"Fine. You know, I'm glad it turned out they wanted a cake and not a pizza, coz it's much more fun trying to get a cake tower to lean without falling off than a pizza.
I am particularly enjoying it coz it reminds me of those karate scenes where Chuck Norris is fighting Bruce Lee in that Chinese gladiator arena."

"What will it taste like? Vanilla or more of a chocolate flavour?"

"Shit. That's what it's gonna taste like. Shit."

"What are you making there, Buddy?"

"Two large dicks for a gay stag party."

"And you're using what to build them?"

"Sponges. The usual."

"How will they taste?"

"They will taste shit. Sponges always taste shit, but they're great for building fancy-looking cakes."

"Don't people care anymore about how a cake tastes?"

"I guess not."

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