Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Emos, Hippies, Rappers or Punks? Make A Decision!

Join the Army

Feeling insecure? Lonely? Inferior? Is puberty sucking out all your energy to live? Think you don't fit in? Do you have a burning desire to belong and be noticed while bullshitting yourself that you're being different?

In that case, why not join one of these armies. Such a variety to choose from, and they all make you feel as part of a group, giving you an identity that you lack (because you might - rightly - feel dull and stereotypical). But you get to have your cake and eat it too: you also get that elusive illusion of being different.

If you join one of these armies, you never ever need to think for yourself again or have to make decisions such as what bands to listen to or what clothes to wear. And that's the best part about it: you never need use your own mind again! Just go with the military flow.

And remember: "Yes! We're ALL individuals!"


UNIFORM: Wavy hair, black. Silly black clothes, lots of make-up (but not as much as the Goth army whom you ripped off). A pale complexion; stay out of the Sun, much like the Goths, coz it symbolizes life and you of course are supposed to hate it. If you should ever feel happy or have the need to smile - keep it to yourself; it would hurt your carefully polished fake image.
Black nail-polish is not an option, it is a must. It reveals your artistic, sensitive, introverted side, but even more than that: it warns civilians that they're dealing with a trend-happy, sexually confused dope.

It's advisable to chew your black nails so that they end up looking messy, which is of course always a sign of rebellion.

MUSIC: Commercial crap, usually pseudo-punk, soft alternative, but mostly corporate pop-rock with lyrics about suicide, school-park bullying, and teenage angst. Don't worry about having to listen only to commercial pap; as a member of this military outfit you can listen to essentially any band, even grindcore, as long as they write gloomy, cliche, adolescent-in-crisis lyrics. (Make sure your bands wear black nail-polish, otherwise you may be listening to the wrong music.)

"Please, notice me!"
BIGGEST +: If you're a masochist, and chances are that you are if you're drawn to this army, the biggest advantage is a high likelihood of getting beaten up regularly by members of other (violent) military outfits. You of course want to be beaten because you hate life. Your natural predators are punks, drunks, skinheads, and football hooligans. Drunks will unfortunately only attack you verbally, as they're too drunk to engage in physical combat - even with your (weakling) army.

BIGGEST -: You'll look very stupid indeed, especially if you're a guy. (Don't forget the black nail-polish.) 

There are rumours of a new breed of Emo that feeds only on other Emos. Only time will tell whether this new Cannibal Emo sub-group will survive (and judging by the photo they're doing extremely well).

SEX: This army being very unisex, as most hipster armies are, means that barracks are shared by both sexes, hence copulation is allowed, even though many new cadets might need time to figure out which of their army brethren are boys and which are girls. (Sexual ambiguity is a bit of a problem in this army.) However, because this army is all about hating existence it would make very little sense for you and your Emo partner to make children, i.e. create new life. Wear a condom, or you might be rejected by other Emos and then forced to desert to a different army. (Sex with black nail-polish is preferred.)

Visits to the poodle hair salon have to be regular.

TATTOOS? Yes. And you have the advantage of being allowed to sob, whimper and waaah as the needle inflicts its inky pain, whereas that kind of whiny behaviour would get you expelled from most other armies.

SMELL: Emos only look (vaguely) rebellious, but are generally quite clean. 


UNIFORM: Spiky hair, Mohawks, plenty of crazy colours. Essentially, plenty of room to maneuver when it comes to hair-styles, just as long as it ends up looking "rebellious" i.e. utterly daft - i.e. attracts attention of those boring non-army people: those pathetic, unoriginal civilians who refuse to join armies hence remain dull. Remember: as a punk, you can never look too stupid, so relax and experiment with your local hairstylist and your pins and needles. Just as long as you don't end up looking like an Emo or a poseur, both of which armies punks despise and consider their enemies.

This was before. Now a housewife with three kids.

MUSIC: Being a punk used to be quite limiting, music-wise. But with the introduction of pop-punk into the punk army by very clever greedy corporations, you can now be a punk (or a pseudo-punk) even if you listen to la-di-da kiddie songs that sound like glorified pop music with a hint of guitar distortion. As long as your band of choice wave their arms VERY HARD as they strike their three guitar chords (up, down, up, down, broad cartoon-like arm motions), and as long as the singer's face impersonates Sid Vicious's mouth contortions, you can consider your music taste to be in line with army regulations.

BIGGEST +: You no longer have any goals in life, so the only way is up, coz you can't sink any further than this. You need not waste your time on hygiene anymore. You have accepted being a loser, and can now enjoy the tremendous benefits that go along with a loser lifestyle.

BIGGEST -: The downside of punkydom is that you are not only allowed but even required to stink. If you're a naturally hygienic person, you might want to reconsider joining this army. Poseurs might be much better suited to you, as they always smell nice. But if you actually enjoy bad smells and you get a kick out of being labeled "pungent" by civilian passers-by, then this is yet another major plus for you. In fact, if you love to stink, this is the army for you.

A true punk must be just as noisy as a howler monkey.
And if he can out-howl six howler monkeys, then he is as true a punk as there will ever be.

MEMBERSHIP CONTROVERSY: Since the inception of this fine military outfit, there has always been much debate among punks themselves as to what exactly defines a punk and who should even be allowed to be part of the army. In order to be more easily accepted into the punky ranks it's not always enough just to wear silly expensive hair, stick needles into your body, or sneer at civilians. Try eating the occasional booger or begging for cigarette money. (Make sure you sneer at them if you get nothing, and to not say "thank you" when you do.)

TATTOOS? Anything that makes you look even uglier is on. So yes, feel free.

SMELL: High levels of stench is a requirement. Don't wash, and certainly don't apply any cosmetic stuff, unless you want to be branded a traitor or deserter.

OTHER INFO: Being a punk means hating everything and everyone (outside the army ranks), and nearly always for no reason. "Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it". A punk never needs to think, analyze or logically defend his point of view; fists and spitting are the language and all the arguments a punk ever needs. And because most sub-culture armies are made up of cowards, you might need to gang up with other punks to beat up or harass a person of your choice. Remember: it always helps to vastly outnumber your enemy; that ensures success and lessens the chances of you running away from the battlefield like a cowardly yellow bastard, or hurting yourself.

This army is all about mindless rebellion, so if you love to rebel - and you're quite mindless - this army should top your list. If you're simply violent and smelly but don't want to have any hair on your head, then you might consider the skinhead army or their close relatives, football hooligans.

Hippies / Neo-Hippies / May-Day Greens

UNIFORM: Braided hair, filthy hair, unwashed hair, huge hair going all the way down to your bum-cheeks even; essentially, once you join this unit you can kiss all your shampoos goodbye. "Goodbye soap, hello lice" is a popular hippie army slogan. Wear old, worn-out clothes that don't mesh well with one another. Looking poor is essential, since you identify with the proletariat and the working-class (in spite of the fact that many hippies have very rich parents and that most poor Westerners dress 100 times better than this army). If your granny has rags she no longer feels are suited for any self-respecting human being, ask her to dump them into your flat. (Don't go yourself to pick them up, because as a member of this military outfit you are required to be extremely lazy and unproductive - while detesting any "square" who works for a living i.e. a sell-out person lacking ideals.)

MUSIC: You are very lucky to be joining this outfit coz you have much more leeway in choosing music than you have in most other armies. You will have to listen to late-60s/early-70s oldies though, because that is a requirement; musicians from this era must be your idols/icons whose moral integrity and alleged disinterest for money should never be questioned. However, considering that most political rock lyrics are left-wing, you are spoiled for choice.


High-brow intellectuals only.

POLITICS: Hippies are the most political army. But no fear! You DON'T suddenly have to get a membership in a library, and you DON'T have to start reading up on current affairs or educate yourself on ANY social or economic issues. Hippies have a very dogmatic stance on every political issue without ever having to understand any of them! Isn't that just wonderful? You get to be a political extremist and a rabid fanatic, but without having to know anything at all! Just copy whatever all the other hippies around you are doing, much like young bird-chicks learn how to peck food by watching adults, or the way sheep always follow the herd.

BIGGEST +: Never having to work again. All you get to do is have sex, listen to music, and take care of your daily or weekly drug intake. Your only official army duties are to shout obscenities at cops (coz ALL authority is wicked) and hurl ridiculous accusations at the corporate world (your no.1 enemy) during May Day, the unofficial Marxism Day. Don't know what Marxism is? You don't need to. Just make sure you support its leaders; you will be told who they are.

BIGGEST -: Unless your parents are rich, and they often are when it comes to this army's recruits, you are going to be quite poor. Not working means not having much money, obviously. You might be hungry occasionally, and even have to resort to begging (like the punks) from the wicked Capitalist society that you have chosen to blame for everything. Another major disadvantage are VDs; a combination of poor hygiene and plentiful sex will do that.

SEX: Lots of it, preferably in commune-like housing units/barracks in which any male can engage any female in any kind of sexual activity at any time. This is why the hippie army is very hotly recommended to nymphomaniacs and male sex-addicts. Behaving like a genital-driven animal while preaching lofty ideals is your new way of life.

VIOLENCE: You're all for sex, but promote non-violence - vigorously. This makes you very politically-correct, so the left-wing media will love you for it, willfully ignoring all your numerous hypocrisies and anti-intellectualism. There is, however, an exception to the ahimsa (non-violence) rule: anti-capitalist street protests. You are allowed to inflict violence on cops who of course don't count as people. In fact, anyone who dares oppose your views during a violent peace rally is fair game. Just make sure you hurt them in such a way as to not land in jail - where you might be raped by those same poor people whose rights you champion.

SMELL: Having to stink is not an official army regulation, but it does help tremendously in keeping up the "poor outcast/rebel tramp" facade/image, and will certainly help gain you respect among your peers.

An original 60s hippie. Younglings (i.e. neo-hippies) worship old hippies because they've all mastered the lice-brain-cells ratio. What is that all about? A hippie starts off with a very small number of lice and a somewhat bigger number of brain-cells. The aim is to outnumber the brain-cells with lice. The peace sign was actually originally a victory sign that hippies used when their lice overtook their brain-cells.

OTHER INFO: As a hippie you anyway hate civilized life. You loathe technological progress (because you cannot find your footing in modern society), hence should be living in a cave anyway, so being devoid of money shouldn't be a major burden on your mental well-being. Ideological fanaticism over practical day-to-day concerns: this has to be the essence of your new philosophy.

Except if you're a vegan hippie; that might pose health risks. Living in a cave and hunting for food (bunnies, preferably) will keep you in shape, whereas vegan stuff generally won't, so becoming a primitive sandal-wearing blood-thirsty peace-loving hunter might be the road you should take. Just make sure you don't become too feral and end up like Charles Manson's notorious army division.

Classic Metalheads

UNIFORM: Denim and leather, bring it all together, it was you that set the spirit free. Not my words. Saxon.
Long hair is preferable - but also a problem, if you're a prematurely balding male. But no fear, short-hair metalheads are quite common these days. Also, make sure those dull non-army passers-by know which bands you listen to, at all times, even if some of your bands' logos aren't even decipherable. Whether that means wearing a black "Blind Guardian" T-shirt or merely a "Cradle of Filth" baseball cap, as long as you advertise your bands for free you're wearing the proper, assigned army garments.

More ads than a F1 pilot.

MUSIC: As an open-minded metalhead your choice of music is vast. However, that is not the road you have chosen. Open-minded metalheads aren't an army, they're just music fans, and your greatest need is to be part of a group i.e. army i.e. freedom of choice is not your aim.
So if you like loud guitar-driven music, the classic metalheads army is your best choice. They usually only listen to power metal (also known as "happy metal", a derogatory term used by those vile thrash fans), and standard/traditional heavy metal. The bands you are assigned to worship aren't allowed to experiment and generally indulge only in dull heavy metal cliches. To be on the safe side, become a Manowar and/or Hammerfall fan and you eliminate all risk of ever breaking the essential music rules of this amazingly predictable army.

TATTOOS? Optional. Preferred themes are dragons, wizards, band logos, and sword fights between muscular sweaty Barbarians.

SMELL: There is no specific code of conduct when it comes to body odors, but metalheads tend to smell a lot more during weekend-long festivals. It is generally dangerous for civilian women to be surrounded by classic metalheads after a gig; not because they might be raped (classic metalheads are sexually harmless) but because large groups of smelly males can be toxic for the more refined female noses.

BIGGEST +: A cozy cocoon of predictability envelops you. Clothes and music have been assigned to you, and now all you need to do is obey the rules i.e. wear/listen to them. (Obviously not wear the music and listen to the clothes; that would be too asinine, even for classic metalheads.) You now inhabit a fantasy world of dragons, Hobbits, orcs and the occasional troll, which allows you to forget all your real-world troubles. Close yourself up in your room, and dream of big-boobed maidens asking for your rescue.

BIGGEST -: You're most likely a nerd pretending to be a tough guy, trying to be "edgy". Women can usually see through that rather transparent mask and will fend off all of your flirtation attempts (providing you ever find the courage to approach women - which is admittedly made more difficult when wearing a denim jacket full of silly small patches).

SEX: Forget it. I mean, really. Forget about it. Unless you can find a female cadet of the same army, but classic metalhead females are quite rare, and anyway usually overweight.

OTHER INFO: Female metalheads are not only quite rare, they are also very fickle and generally disloyal. Studies show that the typical female metalhead joins this army aged 16, and leaves it by the time she is 17 and a half.


UNIFORM: Boots (coz you're in the army), a bald head, working-class clothes.
If you're a phony, i.e. a rich kid trying to be a skinhead, we suggest you find clothes on any rubbish dump. Wash them (only once) and you're set. (Similiar advice could be given to joiners of the hippie and punk armies.)
As a woman, you don't have to be bald. However, you do have to look absolutely shit, as bad and unwomanly as you possibly can, which means an ugly hairstyle that makes all male civilians run away from you. This automatically ensures that the female skinhead mates only within her own kind.

Hair doesn't get any shittier than this. Well done, girls.

MUSIC: Various. Skinheads exist in all kinds of sub-armies, all with very strict codes regarding how to behave, what to wear, how to talk, which music to listen to, what to think, what not to think, whether to think at all, etc. Freedom of choice is a wonderful thing to have - unless you're a skinhead. Remember, you're in the army now, so behave and look as you're told.

SEX: Like most feral, uncivilized creatures, unprotected spontaneous sex is never far in the mind of a skinhead. But there is a snag.

Just needs to be loved.

BIGGEST -: Most skinheads are males. The male-female ratio isn't as lopsided as in the classic metalheads army, but male skinheads are often forced to share one skinhead female amongst themselves, which often causes disunity, disharmony and even the occasional fisticuffs within the army barracks itself.
This also means that if you're a female, becoming a skinhead might mean you have to also become a slut. If you're already a proponent of the slutty lifestyle, then all the better.

BIGGEST +: I can't think of any. Except perhaps that you have a lot of free time on your hands (which you will spend hanging around street-corners, discussing drugs and whom you'd like to beat up next).

TATTOOS? Required. Just make sure they don't look too fancy, so hire an amateur tattooist who can do a proper botched job on your skin.

SMELL: High levels of pungency required. Washing is rare and never thorough. Perfumes and deodorants are strictly forbidden, and their usage could get you expelled and beaten up (in that order).

These two are newbies hence don't even realize what danger they are exposing themselves to by ganging up only with a 2-on-1. Next time, get at least 5 more of your skinhead buddies to help you beat up this legless invalid. You're liable to get hurt if you continue taking such wild risks.

OTHER INFO: As a skinhead, your imaginary toughness and wannabe street-credibility stem from three things:

1) The bald head; a lack of hair on a young head usually implies primitivism and a tendency to engage in hand-to-hand combat as opposed to civilized diplomatic negotiations. Diplomatic solutions amongst rival skinhead groupings only occur when the opposing armies are the same in numbers which drastically increases the chances of BOTH armies getting hurt during a scuffle. A skinhead prefers to first make sure he outnumbers his opponent and THEN attacks.

2) Lots of posturing; surprisingly, skinheads share this common trait with a most unlikely army, the Poseurs. Both these armies engage in a lot of posing, the only difference being that skinheads will vehemently deny this.

3) Always being in a larger group with other skinheads so that you can much more easily intimidate and if need be beat up civilian passers-by that you feel deserve an undeserved beating.

Your main enemies, though, are always members of rival skinhead units. If you're a left-wing skinhead army recruit, then you must hate right-wing skinheads, and vice versa. But whether a Far Left or a Far Right skinhead, you are also expected to smash the heads of apolitical skinheads. How dare they not have views on political issues they know nothing about!

There is a plethora of skinhead divisions and sub-divisions, so it might take some time to make a decision which skinhead army is right for you. But if you are particularly thick, and I mean really really stupid, you can join the Nazi skinheads straight away, without looking at other options.


UNIFORM: Of all the armies listed here, this one has the largest variety of clothes to pick from. Anything ridiculously shiny, colourful, and attention-grabbing (i.e. distracting from your boring personality) is a bonus - just as long as it looks soft, girly and fluffy. Some stark similarities with the punks as far as the hair-styles go: the sillier, the better.

BIGGEST +: Hygiene is a priority, hence you are very clean, hence much less likely to get sewer diseases of the like that befall vast numbers of hippies, punks, and skinheads. If you're an exhibitionist - and as a poseur you must be one - you will be happy to know that a life as a poseur gives you the chance to be gawked at many times during a single day. Civilians will stare at you, and you will of course love every second of it. Just make sure you don't show that you're enjoying the attention, because as a poseur you must maintain an air of false aloofness and fake arrogance.

BIGGEST -: Your appearance will attract unwelcome attention, too. It's a double-edged sword. Skinheads, punks, and even the relatively peaceful classic metalheads will want to smash your head in, for no reason other than that your ridiculous appearance annoys them. But such are the risks of joining any army: a battle is never far off.

MUSIC: Poseurs can choose from a truly vast array of music, everything all the way from Culture Club to Erasure to Pet Shop Boys. As long as your bands wear the same uniform as you, play cheesy yuppie pop, and climb the charts with excessive speed, you are set.

SEX: Lots of mating, believe it or not, though not necessarily with the opposite sex. Poseurs pride themselves on their sexual experimentation with both sexes. Hermaphroditic poseurs are envied and worshiped by other poseurs; nothing makes a male poseur happier than when civilians struggle to guess his gender. Indeed, sometimes a poseur couple find out which sex the other belongs to only AFTER the mating process had started, i.e. when the clothes are all off.
If you want to look as androgynous as possible in order to step up in the army ranks, just wear a lot of stuff that the other sex usually wears. Or just google "transsexual wear". If you're a male poseur, put on a lot of make-up. Tons of it.

Hermaphroditic features will make you extremely popular among other poseurs, but might also get you in trouble with football hooligans, skinheads and punks.

SMELL: The best-smelling army by far. Leaving a long trail of perfume behind you is never a bad thing.

POLITICS: Poseurs couldn't care less about politics, they don't even know what the word means. They are very simple creatures, in spite of their complex, confusing appearance, hence lead a simple life of cheap pop, illegal drugs, and bisexual mating habits.

TATTOOS? Not really.


UNIFORM: Sneakers with their laces removed, pants worn the other way round (no.2 becomes a priority over no.1), baseball caps worn at a precise 39-degree angle to the side, etc. To cut a very long story short, nothing should be worn as it is intended (you can also wear stockings on your head, if you don't mind looking extra stupid). The look that you're essentially going for is that of a mischievous 8 year-old wearing clothes intended for a 14 year-old. Things can hang, your bum can peer out, and you should look as moronic as the most adventurous punk or the most deluded vampire (i.e. Goth).

A ghetto homey gets down with it.

MUSIC: Irrelevant. It’s all about the very simple, monotonous beat. Steal a few bars from an old pop hit, and you have your song i.e. background noise for the all-important texts performed through rhythmic babbling also known as "rapping".

LYRICS: This army is all about the lyrics, which are essentially about boasting: boasting about sexual endurance, boasting about being rich (i.e. having "bling"), boasting about having the best “raps” (i.e. cheap-shit word-play and corny rhymes), boasting about having successfully sold 3 kilos of cocaine without getting caught, and other pointless/embarrassing/silly boasts.
As a hip-hopper, you must foolishly believe that talking rhythmically is a major science and requires huge talent, despite the fact that nearly anyone can rap half-way reasonably, even stutterers. Nobody has the heart to tell these soldiers that rapping is easy, so hip-hoppers remain deluded to this day, considering music inferior to lyrics, which is why very few hip-hoppers learn to play instruments; that requires effort, and hip-hoppers are generally very lazy.

SEX: Army lyrics are also often about "bitch-smacking" and detailed descriptions of the female anatomy, without forgetting to boast about one's own sexual conquests and even penis size. Hip-hoppers avoid relationships, preferring casual sex with “big boo-tay” women. Should sex result in offspring (which often happens) the male hip-hopper usually abandons and ignores his young, as he is too self-obsessed to care about others. Perhaps the most hedonistic army of them all.
This of course means that female soldiers are expected to be major sluts, but also despised for the same reason. In other words, being in this army is a clear-cut no-win situation for females, so women are advised to seek out other armies (unless they enjoy being sluts and being treated as inferior beings).

VOCABULARY: 150 words are allowed. Once you join this army, you have to forget all the rules of grammar you’d ever known, and you may not used complicated over-long 5-letter words ever again. If you are caught saying “doesn’t” instead of “don’t” you will immediately receive a dishonourable discharge, mockery included (usually performed through a rap plus the obligatory arm-waving). Keep it simple, and keep it primitive. Intelligence and education are not commodities that command respect in this army. Any form of higher schooling (i.e. higher than 4th grade) is ridiculed and considered a major embarrassment.

Use "yo" at the beginning of every sentence. It means "hey, I'm speaking now, so everybody listen to me!". Everybody - whether your brother, sister, parents, friends, enemies, girlfriend, teachers, or the President - should be addressed with "bro".

Learning to lose brain-cells at a very early age is key to becoming a true hip-hopper.

SWAGGER: Abandon your natural speaking voice and mannerisms. Your absurdly excessive boastfulness obliges you to speak in a very phony, pseudo-macho manner. Every hip-hopper must be – or at least must impersonate – an alpha male. Hand-waving is also very important; no self-respecting self-worshiping hip-hopper communicates without the obligatory hip-hoppish hand-gestures (which some anthropologists say are excessively used in order to make up for the very poor/low vocabulary).
No other army has a more stringent and specific marching code. Swagger is key. One leg should always be thrown a little bit more than the other, i.e. asymmetric marching is encouraged.

CATEGORIES: Hip-hoppers can be divided into three basic groups: 1) successful, rich hip-hoppers (drug-dealers and/or rappers), the smallest group by far, 2) poor hip-hoppers (unsuccessful or partly successful drug-dealers i.e. incarcerated hip-hoppers), and 3) teen or fantasy-world hip-hoppers, who merely impersonate the gangsta lifestyle in order to fulfill all their adolescent fantasizes of women they cannot get, of muscles they do not have, and as means of fighting their insecurities and fears. This 3rd category financially support the 1st category.

RESPEC(T): It's all about "gettin' respec'" and getting agitated at the slightest hint of being "dissed". Hip-hoppers rarely deserve respect and yet they demand it at all times, otherwise they get pissy. Once dissed, a peeved hip-hopper will do a sort of "mini-dance" during which he might or might not pull out a loaded gun. Should he not be in possession of a gun at the moment of the dissing, this army's soldier will grab his testicles a few times and hurl "insults" most of which end with the words "foo'" and "bitch".

SMELL: Hip-hoppers, believe it or not, aren't supposed to smell bad in spite of their over-the-top machismo and alpha-male posturing. After all, finding willing females for mating is a high priority, so a certain level of hygiene is expected. It's a fashion-orientated army, so nice smells are common.

OTHER INFO: The hip-hop army used to be very mono-racial, initially a black military outfit, but in recent decades it has become much more inclusive, expanding its welcoming arms to include nitwits of all races, which is why white soldiers probably outnumber black soldiers now. Nevertheless, if you’re white you might want to reconsider joining up because you might still be considered a “second-class army recruit” by most other fellow soldiers, even other white hip-hoppers. Your credibility as a "ghetto homey" does rely quite a bit on your skin colour, for whatever strange reasons, so for white rappers to be taken more seriously they need to prove themselves in other ways, for example by missing a few teeth and being ugly. An impressive, long police file helps a lot as well.

Being an army full of alpha males (or at least delta and gamma males that aspire to be alphas) verbal threats should be directed at other hip-hoppers at all times, so it is important to find an enemy or rival within your own army barracks as soon as you join up. Exchanging insults with your main rival(s) is part-and-parcel of the hip-hoppers day-to-day existence. This army is the most disunited of them all, with most hip-hoppers being in direct competition (and even war) with each other. Make sure the insults remain primitive, childish, and limited to the 150 words used in the tiny hip-hop vocabulary. It is not uncommon that soldiers within this army even murder each other, so if you want a more quiet and less dangerous army, you’re perhaps better suited to the Goths or hippies.
The hip-hop army barracks are much like a rooster farm. Fights occur often, and they are encouraged.

Army discipline is written in very small letters, and laziness is a positive trait. These traits are to be openly exhibited to other soldiers and civilians, and are a matter of pride to the hip-hopper. The typical hip-hopper is extremely proud of all things that civilians consider embarrassing or immoral.

Football Hooligans

UNIFORM: Team colours, T-shirt, sneakers, flags. Broken bottles and flairs are optional. A bald head does help too, but hair is allowed.

Kick 'em when they're down.

SEX: The fact that football hooligans usually roam for food, alcohol and victims in large all-male groups makes them susceptible to latent homosexuality. Ironically, this army forbids and loathes any kind of homosexual behaviour (apart from lesbian porn), and many of its gay members aren't even aware of their growing homosexual feelings until it's too late, i.e. until they suddenly find themselves totally naked in bed one morning with one of their army mates, empty cans of beer lying around, and two very suspicious wet condoms on the floor.

BIGGEST +: As a weakling and an unimportant and ignored member of society, you get to finally feel strong and important, especially when you jeer the opposing team's fans, or when you get to gang up with 50 other army mates in beating up one single opposing-club member.

BIGGEST -: Arrests, prison sentences, injuries, divorces, gradual weight-gain, beer-bellyplasia, alcoholism, drug-addiction and severe brain-damage.

MUSIC: A football hooligan need only know 2-3 songs; the firm's simplistic anthems that are written with as few lyrics as possible in order to allow the average football-fan's brain to remember them.  

POLITICS: This army's recruits know nothing about the fine intricacies of political and social issues, but one thing they do know: "we hate them blacks and Jews and queers!" Much like hippies, football hooligan involvement in politics involves no actual knowledge of the subject matter. Indeed, many football hooligans are illiterate, going to special classes organized by their peers in order to learn to read and write simple match-day banners.

SMELL: Very smelly indeed, especially after the post-match skirmishes with police and enemy fans. The only scents allowed are the scents of smelly socks and beer, hence a very similar scent culture to that of skinheads.

OTHER INFO: You are far more concerned with the pre-match and post-match shenanigans with cops and opposing fans then you are with the outcome of the match. Indeed, football hooligans rarely can count higher than three. This, of course, makes them more drawn toward football than basketball (with its very high scores).

If you are so cowardly or physically incompetent that you can't even attack an unarmed opponent with a knife or large metal rod without being weak at the knees, then you might want to consider moving to Brazil where semi-automatic machine-guns are the weapons of choice for most football-hooligan army combatants.


UNIFORM: Quite similar to classic metalheads, except even more leather and facial hair. You might even want to consider leather socks and even leather underwear, although leather condoms might be pushing it a bit. Long hair is recommended, but considering the average age of bikers these days (79) short hair or bald heads are acceptable too.

Believe it or not, your bike is also part of the uniform. You’re on it almost 24/7; you drive on it, you sit on it on parking lots, you sleep with it, you have sex on it (and with it). The bike is like your girlfriend, so if you develop sexual attraction to it, don’t be depressed or think you’re going insane because it’s quite normal not to be normal when you choose this lifestyle.

Santa goes metal.

SEX: Lots of it (if you're a younger biker). For soldiers of this particular army, it’s all about bikes, booze and sex (in that order). Sometimes the three can be combined; for example, when a biker drinks on his bike, has sex on his bike while drinking, or having sex with his bike while drunk. (You are NOT required to wear condoms during intercourse with your bike, because they can’t get pregnant.)
Female bikers tend to be rare, which means that these soldiers drive around mostly in large all-male groups. (Latent homosexuality does occasionally arise.) This means that as one of the few females (or the only one) in the group, you will be passed around i.e. are expected to sexually service most of the bikers, or at least the alpha wannabes. If you’re lucky, the gang leader might not want to share you with others, in which case you can pursue a happy monogamous relationship with just him (and his best friend, and his best friend’s friend.) So if you don’t happen to be a semi-literate gang-bang-happy nymphomaniac skank who has no self-respect and dresses like an 80s whore, this army might not be for you.

POLITICS: They can't even spell the word. They're not interested.

WEIGHT: Quite fat, and often obese. You’re not a proper biker unless you don’t have at least some excess weight. Gone are the days of the hippie bikers of the 60s and 70s who were occasionally thin; the modern biker stuffs himself with junk-food, drinks plenty of beer, and only shifts his lard-ass around when he is getting off or on his bike (which naturally wastes only very limited amounts of calories).

MUSIC: Motorhead. As long as it’s heavy and based on leather.

BIGGEST +: Much like football hooligans and skinheads, being a biker gives you that wonderfully emPOWERing strength in numbers. Being a cowardly loser on your own, now you can finally feel the POWER of being in a gang, and all the POWERFUL benefits it brings: you can beat up people far stronger than yourself, because now you’ve got the POWER of all your biker pals on your side to help you. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can’t pick on the occasional weak opponent as well; bikers are game for ganging up on anybody, just as long as the victim provides them with plenty of fun and laughter as they bash his head in. (Of course, beating up civilians and rival-gang members does require that you get your lard-ass off your bike seat, which may not always be easy for an overweight, lazy biker.)

BIGGEST -: A biker lifestyle does bring with it diabetes, alcoholism, a rapid lowering of the already dangerously low I.Q., jail sentences, and the cost of keeping your bike bright and shiny and clean isn’t negligible either.
There is also danger in brawls that involve rival gangs. Rival gangs might be just as numerous as your own, so don’t expect easy victims that you can kick on the ground as you do when you attack defenseless random civilians in and around seedy pubs. If you know a gang brawl is planned for the day, it’s best you call in sick and not go riding out with your buddies that day. (For this reason, gang brawls are rare, because often the pre-arranged fights don’t even start because nobody shows up.)

TATTOOS: Obligatory army accessories. The more you have, the more respect you get. Nude women, bikes, and nude women on bikes are your preferred motifs.

SMELL: Best explained in a complex mathematical equation (bikers aren't good at maths, so any equation is complex to them):

11 cans of beer per day + aged 50 and over x the large weight + male + sitting on a leathery bike all day x not washing for days or even weeks = a highly smelly fat bastard dressed like a retard

OTHER INFO: Bikers like to take long rides through the country-side, during which they occasionally throw a glance at cows grazing in the fields and then semi-consciously (bikers do everything semi-consciously) compare themselves with them. It is at such moments that biker soldiers realize that the only essential difference between the leather-clad fat cows and them is that bikers don’t give any milk.

To quote Cartman from South Park: "Everybody realizes that the only people who are so needy for attention that they dress up and are as loud as possible are you guys and 16 year-old girls. Just wanna let you know, you're fucking fags." Cartman is indeed wise, so privy to the primitive psychological make-up of bikers and many other army members.


UNIFORM: Similar to Emos, the Goths' military allies, but even darker, and much more white powder applied to the cheeks and other parts of the body. The black-and-white look is sought after. If you end up looking like a deranged Juventus fan, you've probably nailed it.
For female aspirants, be forewarned: you might end up looking like a cheesy dominatrix. Still, cheesy is what Goths are all about, after all.

Essentially, this is the ideal army of choice for colour-blind people.

Just another harmless vampire.

BIGGEST +: No sun-burns.

BIGGEST -: Vitamin D deficiency.

SEX: Only in coffins.

MUSIC: Similar to Emos, sometimes touching on metal, but all sorts of stuff. A wide variety, just as long as its about death, depression and this misery that we call life.

MOVIES: Horror films. If you are a lonely Goth chick living in a very small village, join up with a lonely classic metalhead male and watch horror films together. (This will usually result in the female Goth chick gradually turning into a classic metalhead.)

SMELL: Vampires don't have smells.

OTHER INFO: If you are a guy who is interested in joining an army just for the sex, your best options are hippies or Goths, as both armies have a lot of females. Hippie females, however, are more sexual than Goth chicks (who are rumoured to be frigid). Nevertheless, the silver lining is that female Goths outnumber male ones, so as a guy you can exploit this enticing and rare pro-female numerical dis-balance to your own advantage.

If you're a social outcast and need only 2-3 friends with whom you will devise elaborate suicide fantasy pacts and with whom you can snidely bad-mouth civilians that "don't get it", this is the army for you.
Just make sure you keep away from sun-tan studios and beach holidays. You might find yourself branded a deserter upon returning from the sea.




  1. Lol the page full of stereotypes.

  2. And of course these people are doing it in the name of "freedom".