Thursday, 27 June 2013

Hollywood Biographies - Jane Fonda

FONDA, Jane. (b. 1937, Year of the Devil) 

Little Jane was born in October, three months prematurely, because she didn't want to miss the annual celebrations of the October Revolution in the Red Square. Having suspected that the baby she carried was an Anti-Christ of sorts, Jane's mother Frances "Rosemary" Brokaw allegedly committed suicide when, at the age of eight, the first word "baby" Jane learned and spoke wasn't "Mama" but "Satani". Her father Henry is most notable for his performance in "The Apes of Wrath", a sci-fi horror court-room musical thriller about an angry left-wing simian uprising, with Fonda in the starring role as the monkey who discovers the joys of "Das Kapital" when he starts banging his capitalist enemies on the head with it.

Jane met with failure when she tried to organize "an internal, proletariat-based revolt" in her high-school: it was a school for the privileged and stinking rich. Her next attempt to bring about major political upheaval was as a teacher in a kindergarten; the kids showed a shocking lack of interest in this young idealist's putrid ramblings. Deciding to move to Honduras to teach kids about the "basic principles of independent financial self-support", she begged her father for money for the trip and the five-star hotel accommodations. A day later, she was in the capital, Tegucigalpa, where they allow entry only to foreigners who can pronounce the name of the city. It took her three months, but in quarantine she managed to learn the correct pronunciation, and finally arrived. 

A year later, during one of her lessons in the course "Self-sacrifice, Sharing, and Generosity During Iron Communist Rule" she was asked by a bleeding pupil if he can go to the doctor; Jane was outraged by this interruption in mid-sentence and gave him detention. A minute later another pupil asked if he can carry his bleeding brother to the doctor; barely controlling herself, Jane mumbled through clenched teeth for both pupils to "sit the fuck down". A third interruption ensued, when a kid asked to go to the toilet, bringing an already enraged Fonda into a state of frenzy and unbridled fury; she took out her Kalashnikov and shot five kids at random. "Does anyone have any other questions?" she asked. There was no response; most of the kids were dead or injured.

After Jane escaped from Honduras, she went back to her father in L.A. "Dad, can I be in the movies?" Henry said yes, and arranged a couch-test with one of his producer friends. Jane protested, yelling that she didn't want to give a blow-job for a role. Henry asked her what she expects to do in return instead of a blow-job. "Nothing!" she hollered, "I deserve to be in the movies 'cause you're my Daddy and everyone will love me for having the 'Fonda' name, and they'll give me many Blowscars for it even if I suck because they are all wonderful Stalinists like us, an' everything!" Henry was convinced, and Jane was on her way to stardom.

Her earlier movies are: The Mall Story, a political teenage sex-romp about a girl who hangs around the mall all day, trying futilely to convert her fellow slackers to a more left-leaning system of centralized government; The Little Red Book Report, a Maoist sex drama about a team of Kinsey-pollsters who come to Fonda's high-school to ask questions about blow-jobs, but meet resistance from her when she starts waving her Red Book at them, screaming "down with Franco"; Wall On The Wild Side, a trendy political thriller about an idealistic woman who not only insists on helping build the Berlin Wall, but when it is finished frantically raises her hand to volunteer to shoot down East Berliners who try to cross over; Adjusting To The Period, a touching horror drama play - preceding The Exorcist - about a married couple who try to help another couple when the latter's female half (Fonda) turns PMS insane and starts writing Marxist slogans like "Red Forever!" and "Red Good In Bed!" all over the bathroom with her blood; With The Fool Of The Day, a smash-hit slapstick comedy about a retarded, bungling Greek Communist who thinks she is highly intelligent, attempting to make converts by trying to sound eloquent (yet failing abysmally), and tripping over things constantly; Sunbathe In New York, a mystical melodrama about New York's biggest slut who spends time sunbathing nude so as to attract as many lovers whom she later tries to convert to post-modern

Leninism during the men's orgasms; Pain House, a French love-trilogy farce about two men hiding from their wives who stumble into an isolated house filled with drawings of hammers and sickles, in which a serial-killing young spinster lives with her three pit-bulls, where she spends time showing the joys of Stalinism to drifters in her self-made torture-chambers; Circle Of Red, a comedy about a mysterious, outlawed U.S. underground Satanic-Marxist cult which stands around in a circle all day holding hands waiting for the Red Evil One to take over America, culminating in a bizarre twist finale in which the government realizes how harmless this pathetic group of loser-hippies really is and decides to leave them be; Cat Balloon, quite a different effort from Fonda, about an obese cat pumped with helium flying above London, until it gets caught with a net by a young woman who takes care of it lovingly until she decides to feed her hungry dogs with it for months; The Game Is Over For The Free World, which saw Fonda return to familiar material about a small radical group who kidnap the senator's ex-wife's servant's mailman's step-daughter, thinking that this will give them enough leverage [see TRAVOLTA, John] to blackmail NATO into all-out nuclear disarmament; Many Wednesdays, an apocalyptic post-WWIII college sex-romp about a female leader of the New Red World who orders that every day be Wednesday because Fidel Castro was born on that day, causing the hormone-driven college students to revolt since this means they will have exams every day (because Wednesday is exam day), leaving them no time for wild gamma-ray sex; and Bare-chested In The Park, an eerie mood-piece about a female flasher who roams New York's Central Park, in search of victims whom she flashes her pitiful breasts carrying the slogan: "Ye All Would Pray That Communism Comes To America If Ye Only Knew How Wonderful It Was", culminating in a heart-rending final scene when she realizes at very old age, decades later, that her message was never read because she flashed too quickly.

When the war in Vietnam broke out, Jane had only two things in mind: where the hell is Vietnam and where is my Blowscar for They Shoot Capitalist Pigs, Don't They? When her brother Peter finally found a map three weeks later, Jane found out that it was in Asia. "I thought Asia was King Arthur's wife?! What the fuck!" she told Peter, and they flew to Hanoi, seeking to support America's enemy. After two weeks in North Vietnam, Jane sent a telegram to The New York Post with the message: "I Love King Kong". This message was the next day's headline nation-wide, and all of America was confused. No one quite knew why Jane thought it so essential for all of America to know of her love for an old monster movie. The Viet Kong got wind of this and decided to have a word with Jane. 

"What's dis broody business about you roving King Kong?" a high-ranking military man asked her. He then explained to her that they were the Viet Kong and not King Kong. 

"King Kong get kirred in end, no? Why you compare us with incompetent ape?!" She apologized, and gave him a blow-job as a sign of subservience. 

"Brow-job OK but not sufficient expranation!" he yelled. Jane wiped her mouth, then proceeded to meekly explain that she didn't even finish grade-school. 

"Oh, I see," said the military man, "you just gleat big dumb Amelican Hollywood bimbo who not even know whele Vietnam is thlee weeks ago!" Jane nodded, and gave him another blow-job. 

"This second brow-job much bettel!" he shouted and then left.

Jane sent a second telegram to the American press that said: "Disregard King Kong message. I Love Viet Kong." She also enclosed a picture of her standing with two generals at the entrance of a Soviet helicopter, while holding their flaccid, tiny penises, one hand each. 

The photo made headlines in America: "Has Jane gone Inane?" (Washington Post), "How Much Of A Whore Can A Woman Be?" (Boston Examiner), "Will She Hold Brezhnev's Bushy Cock, Too?" (The L.A. Times), "This Proves Once And For All The Terrible Truth About Their Penis-Size" (San Francisco Daily) etc. 

Meanwhile, in Hanoi, Jane was furious. It turned out her brother Peter had sent the wrong picture. 

"How could you, you asshole?!" she screamed at him. "You were supposed to send the sexy one to Mom!" she yelled. 

Peter explained that he thought that the "sexy one" was a much bigger "politico-social statement". "The sexual revolution and stuff, man, you dig?" he said. 

But Jane didn't dig. She took a shotgun and fired, wounding him in the face. The next day he flew back home, then all teary-eyed told journalists how he got shot. The press spontaneously nick-named her "Hannoiyed Jane"

Back in Hanoi, Jane was doing her best to soothe the angry Viet Kong who demanded that all prints of the photo of her and the two generals be collected and publicly burned, complete with massive, synchronized chanting from the entire North Vietnam populace. When Jane told them that she doesn't have the power to do that, they screamed at her, yelling how disappointed they were that she wasn't "Amelica's most infruential lich hippie". She corrected them saying she was, but asked them how the hell she was going to collect all of the newspapers that have the photo. The Viet Kong looked at each other then one of them said: "Werr, you not do it by standing hele chating arr day about it!" Jane took the first flight to America.

Days passed, and Jane did manage to pick up roughly ten copies, but knew that she was well behind in collecting them all; about 30 million copies behind, in fact. But then she spoke to her Hollywood friends and asked for help: they were very excited about the idea, and soon the likes of Barbara Streisand, Vanessa Redgrave, Robert Redford, Paul Newman, and Charlie Chaplin joined her in her Holy Red Quest for the newspapers. A month later, they had collected 419 copies, and Fonda & co. were finally starting to look at the venture with more optimism. 

Suddenly, one day, the Viet Kong rang her up in her Beverly Hills villa. "I told you guys not to call me on the public lines! Haven't you ever heard of eavesdropping?" she told them. 

"Yes, we heald you! And you know what we do? We feed you with infected bild-dloppings then loast you on slow file, you srut! How dale you shout at Led Menace miritaly man?!" a high-pitched voice at the other line said. Jane stuttered, apologizing with a low "sorry". 

"Solly?! We heald you quite fal flom correcting all photos with youl stupid lich Hollywood fliends, yes?" he asked. Jane disagreed, saying that the action was going very well, and then - with a proud glimmer in her eye - told him that they'd already picked up 449 copies. The Viet Kong man slammed the phone against a wall. That same day, another call came from them, ordering her "to get youl solly ass ovel hele!". That same day she flew back to Hanoi, leaving her celebrity friends to continue collecting newspapers.

In Hanoi, Jane was faced with massive criticism and threats of a public gang-rape by wild dogs if she didn't make up for her blunder. She said she would do anything. "Anything...?" one of them asked. "Then you give me brow-job!" he added. She went down and did the foul deed. After she finished, another one asked for it, and she gave him one, too. 

Pretty soon the entire echelon of Viet Kong's military stood in line with their pants down. Jane spent days blowing, sometimes speeding up her misery by taking in two penises at a time - for they were very tiny and could easily fit in her small mouth. The great irony was that here knelt a woman who didn't have to blow to get her first roles in Hollywood, yet she found herself many years later going down on little Vietnamese Communists who were mere peasants farming rice just a year earlier. This obvious irony went over her head entirely (perhaps because she was kneeling and she was too low to catch it).

Hannoiyed Jane had several opportunities to flee the country, but she never realized that the small pointed metal objects which everyone held at the waist were in fact used to open doors by being inserted in the minute holes in the middle at the side. (Keys, she later learned.) Plus, Jane would never have escaped anyway. She was more determined than ever to help the Viet Kong; she figured that a movement as efficient as this in spreading terror and torture was just the right kind that could one day lead the world to peace and prosperity - Utopia. She re-evaluated her stance to giving blow-jobs to smelly, uniformed ex-peasants and decided she would do it with joy henceforth. Eventually, she was so into it that she even occasionally brusquely cut off her Hollywood friends whenever they called to update her on the latest figures on the Holy Red Quest. The following is a priceless transcript of a rare conversation when Jane didn't slam the phone down: 

Barbara: "Hi, Jane, it's me, Barbara... Don't slam the phone down! We've collected 666 copies by now; the number of the Beast, you know." 
Jane: "Yeah, yeah... *slurp*... good number, good number... *slurp*... What's 2 X 666?..." 
Barbara: "Er... 78, I think... Or 79. Jane, I'll get back to you when I work it out." 
Jane: "You do that, you do that... *slurp*... 'cause 2 X 666 is two Beasts, you know... *slurp*... next!" 

Years passed and the war ended. To Hannoiyed Jane's great joy the Viet Kong won the war. But even better, she was ecstatic about breaking the old Asian record of blow-jobs during a war. She flew back to Hollywood and threw a huge party celebrating both events. Her Marxist colleagues came in droves. "Oh, Jane, great to see you again!" said Vanessa. "We've collected 1139 copies!" she added. "We'll soon have them all!" added an excitable Barbara, a large chunk of snot falling out of her schnoz. Jane told them that the Viet Kong didn't care anymore about that. "But what shall we collect now?" asked a worried Redford. "My aerobic video-tapes, coming at a store near you, at $19.95!" Jane exclaimed proudly.

Jane's Capitalist success with her aerobic-fitness exercise tapes was astounding. Every retarded, over-weight, inferiority-complexed ugly American housewife started exercising. Fonda made millions, some of which she utilized for years to finance the enemies of the Sandinistas, until she found out that the Sandinistas were the Communist side. Her aerobic tapes were a marvel of modern medicine; Jane, who can't lift a leg to save her life, was injected with the famous Dr. Max Jacobson's special serums which turned her into the Hulk of gymnastics. Sometimes the shots were so effective that Jane accidentally lifted her legs too high and they ended up tying themselves into a knot behind her neck. It took a special division of highly trained ex-marines and sailors to untie her legs on such occasions.

She also resumed her film career, which had taken a temporary backseat to Jane's world-famous blow-job involvement in the Vietnam war. 

The movies are: Spirits Of The Dead, a trilogy of Karl Marx's famous political horror stories, all about the rise of proletariat zombies against their industrialist oppressors who kept all the human flesh selfishly for themselves; Klutz, a popular comedy for which Fonda finally got a Blowscar, in which she plays a hooker with-the-heart-of-cash who decides to drop out of the business and enter the aerobic video-tape market where she miserably fails due to her inborn lack of co-ordination; P.T.A., Fonda's unusual documentary about her early attempts to gather every parent in America into one big school meeting then kill them all with a nuclear bomb, so that she could take their kids and brainwash them with "Communism's most humane principles of co-existence in mutual misery"; Steelyard Songs, a musical political drama about a group of Teamster steel-workers who sing and dance, day and night, performing most amazing aerobic exercises in order to have their demands of a 4-hour week met; The China Palindrome, a super-hero thriller about a nuclear reactor which will blow up unless the correct palindrome of "China" is typed into the computer, and the desperation of all involved in trying to find a dictionary in time to find what "palindrome" means - but they fail and it is up to Aerobic Woman to save the day by typing in "Anich", which happens to also be the real name of her loyal sidekick Cock Marvel; Cuming Home, a touching Vietnam war drama for which Fonda finally got her second Blowscar, about a disabled vet who comes back home, rolling into his bedroom, only to find his fiancée screwing another disabled vet, upon which he runs over them in his wheelchair, slices their bodies into little pieces, and then eats them for dinner; Fun With Dick And Prick, a romantic love-triangle about an aerobics teacher who tries various combinations with two men in bed, in preparation for her book, titled "Marxa Karla Sutra"; Cums a Horse, a farm tale about a Marxist aerobics teacher who tries to teach her favourite animal the principles of Marxism and how they relate to daily exercises, until she finally gives up and does something highly inappropriate with her pet; The Electric Horse, the sequel, in which the woman, having lost her animal to animal-rights groups, hires an evil genius to build her an android replica with which she then engages in very risky sexual practices; No Nukes, No Fans, an anti-war documentary about a concert held in rural Idaho for which three people showed up; 9 To 5 Nukes Per City, a poignant political thriller about America's first female Marxist President who assists the Soviets in nuking most of America; In Golden Pond, a winning father-daughter drama for which she finally got a third Blowscar, in which Jane drowns her father Henry, then collects his insurance money, shoves away her semi-stupid mother Hepburn into a nursing home, and runs off to the Kremlin where she offers her services against America; The Morning After, a physical-therapy semi-autobiography about Jane's morning after the first day of exercise using Dr. Jacobson's shots, and her initial failed attempts to crawl out of bed; and Agnes Hates God, a moving story about a nun who converts to Marxism and then has sex with all the priests in the monastery before eloping with a like-minded bishop to the Vatican where they plan to convert the Pope and establish a Communist regime there.

After her - so far - last movie, Stanley & Iris Do A 69, about the struggles of a retarded man to learn a very difficult position and the woman who teaches him how to use a gun on himself after he fails, Fonda met Ted Turner, a corrupt media emperor with-the-heart-of-coal, who promised her that she never need to work again: he would take care of financing her left-wing uprisings and all she would have to do in return is blow him, anywhere, everywhere, and any time. In their happier years, Mrs. Fonda-Turner was seen as often as three times a day blowing Ted in various public places: in lavatories, in shopping malls, in grocery stores, and even in the middle of a street. But the undisputed highlight of their much-publicized romance was when Fonda-Turner blew her husband while he was pitching the traditional first ball of the season, in the Yankee's stadium which he owns. Once again she wrote history, performing the first ever public blow-job during a baseball act.

Fonda-Turner has kept a low profile since discovering "the love of [her] life". She had stopped acting for a long time, even though she occasionally felt that "it's about fucking time" that she wins her 4th and 5th Blowscars. Dr. Max Jacobson, who also shot John and Jack F. Kennedy (though not with a gun), is now dead and can't enable her to do very good aerobics anymore, so her exercise videos have been redirected and targeted at the elderly; while exceedingly busy with her schedule of attending numerous dinner-parties and "Eyes Wide Shut"-like orgies, she still occasionally finds the time to visit nursing homes and teach the immobile elderly "to get off [their] fucking asses and do something healthy for a change". She has also been Ambassador of Goodwill for UNICEF (United Nobodies Inspiring Children to Engage in Fucking) from 1998-2000, accepting the post when a fellow Communist worshipper rejected it [see MACLAINE, Shirley]. Fonda-Turner's most notable visit was the recent one to Holland, where she advised children to kill their parents and "establish a neo-Trotskyite state".

Most famous quote: "I wish the whole of mankind had one neck so that I could snap it."

Preparing the ammo to blow up a western nursery.

Are you a fan of Jane Fonda and her politics? Read this: 

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