Thursday, 27 June 2013

Hollywood Biographies - Meryl Streep

STREEP, Meryl. (b. 1951) 

This phenomenally beautiful yet delicately ugly actress, with features that are gorgeous yet essentially hideous, radiates a kind of exuberant charisma which seems to almost spell out "grotesque" to anyone who has the nerve to watch her longer than two seconds. Streep has managed what no other actress had ever done: she has unified her wholesome yet repulsive looks, her immense talent for imitating accents badly, and an almost scary ability to give countless blow-jobs to the Acadumby Voters, mere days before they vote for their Blowscar favourites. Just as her performances are all utterly perfect and all of her roles are flawless, so her private life pales by comparison with its simplicity so there won't be any need to go into details regarding her sex-change operation and the contract she signed with Satan. Anyway, her movies speak for themselves.

"The Rear Hunter", her feature debut, has Meryl in the role of a woman who is the only one in her village who isn't raped by a Vietnam vet obsessed with women's derrieres. She sports a terrifically awful Spanish accent, but more importantly - she introduces the movie-goers to The Woman With No Sex Appeal (*); a character which, to a varying degree, can be found in all of her roles. For this first role she only won five Blowscars, among them for Best Sexless Cunt and Best Actress Who Won't Show Her Tits In A Single Scene.

"The Fruitless Seduction Of Joe Tynan" is about a woman desperately trying to land a husband before going past the child-bearing age, who flirts heavily with the village idiot but with little results, save for the occasional blow-job he allows her. Her stunning Polish accent is a marvel of modern method acting: bullshit foreign accents don't get any better than this. For this movie she received nine Blowscars, including for Best Actress In An Awful Chick-Flick Movie and Best Unconvincing Foreign Accent By A Very Ugly Woman.

"Satanica Versus Kramer" is a touching family drama about a boy who refuses to be son anymore to a mother who is plainly too ugly and an embarrassment to him every time she picks him up from school in front of his friends. Her husband agrees with his son and they try to escape from her by hiding in a church. Considered one of the best family-drama/religious-horror movies ever made, Streep baffled critics with the ease with which she blended unattractiveness and a bad French accent. 12 Blowscars for this one: including for Best Actress Who Still Won't Show Us Her Tits, Best Anal Scene With The Devil, and Best Actress Whose French Accent Sounds Like A Black Man Speaking Japanese.

Just as it seemed that she could get no better, "The French Lieutenant's Womb" came out; this is a sentimental melodrama about a sexless Trans-Atlantic married couple who flips a coin as to who will be pregnant with baby. The coin decides that it should be Jeremy Irons, and they hire a Mexican doctor without a Green Card to perform the surgery. The doctor cuts off the penis by mistake and tries to remove the bladder to make room for a womb, but he fails because the Immigration Police catches him, leaving Irons and Streep to weep for about half-an-hour of the movie - a cinematographical highlight. Critics were mystified as to why Streep chose to do a Peruvian accent, but they unanimously applauded her for yet another successfully failed imitation of a foreigner. 14 Blowscars: incl. Best Actress Releasing Fake Tears A Lot To Attract Female Audiences And Their Reluctant Boyfriends/Husbands, Best Weeping Over Nothing, Best Actress Who Won't Show Us Her Tits Which Is Just As Well Because They Look Small Anyway, and a joint Blowscar with Jeremy Irons for Best Sexless Couple Engaged In Weird Or Repulsive Sex.

Meryl then took a well-deserved vacation to Hell, and when she came back the offers had doubled. No longer willing to repeat herself by doing The Woman With No Sex Appeal, she tried to experiment with a new archetype: The Woman With Even Less Sex Appeal. "Sophie's Voice", the first and last featuring the new Streep, has Meryl as a deep-voiced Nazi officer who sends attractive Polish women to the concentration camp. The film flopped, in spite of her brilliant Bulgarian accent. But why? It was hard enough to watch The Woman With No Sex Appeal and keep the barf-bag empty, but Meryl sending beautiful women to their death was simply too much. But the real reason, many argue, why the movie didn't succeed is that Streep made a fatal mistake of allowing gorgeous women to share the screen with her. Nevertheless, 18 Blowscars. Streep, going back to her less scary The Woman With No Sex Appeal character, had learned her lesson and made sure she never co-starred with beautiful women again.

Her next movie was a hit: "Silkywoody" has her co-starring with Cher and Barbra Streisand, two actresses who never threatened anyone's "beauty" on screen. This powerful and sensitive drama about a penis made out of silk, and the three women who'd die just to get to mount it just once in their sexually unfulfilled lives, is testimony to Streep's artistic integrity; her brave vocal utterings of a Nepalese accent won her rave reviews. That, combined with an unheard-of pre-Blowscar blow-jobbing campaign, assured Streep her by-then greatest Blowscar night. She won 26 of those golden statuettes of a man peeing over a script (**) - every actors dream; during Blowscar Night, when she went up to receive the award for Best Actress Playing With Her Vagina, she spontaneously took her panties off and peed on the podium, to the delight and fake laughter of everyone in the first ten rows (rows 11 and beyond don't get filmed so they don't have to fake joy or laughter). The other Blowscars she won, among others, were for Best Actress Whose Tits We Never See And Are Now Thankful That We Don't, Best Actress In A Group Of Women Weeping For Most Of The Movie, Best Actress Looking Much Prettier As A Result Of Sharing Screen With Even Bigger Uglies, and Best Actress Who Only Stars In Soppy Dramas

A week later, she additionally won a spontaneously awarded Blowscar for Best Acceptance Speech While Receiving A Blowscar, for her peeing on the podium (***). Critics treated her performance on the podium just as they would one of her movies: 

Variety: "The way she swayed her behind while the lovely yellow liquid dripped serenely on the spotless, bronze floor was like in a dream... great smell..." 

The L.A. Times: "The serene grin that accompanied her gravity-pulled, vagina-leaving urine I shall never forget... A marvelous performance... A classic"

The New York Post: "Splendid... the way she spontaneously asked Jack Nicholson, sitting in the front row, to wipe her vagina afterwards... A sheer joy... So much style for not accepting Jack's proposal to copulate with her in front of everybody… To refuse Jack Nicholson - this showed class". 

In fact, so enthralled were the critics that they put pressure on the studios to treat the Blowscar acceptance peeing speech as a motion picture and release it as such. A few weeks later it was, indeed, released, under the title "Sophie's Piss", and swept the Blowscars, Em-me-me-me-my Awards, and Solden Globes for Best Short Film About A Bodily Function and Best Female Artist Urinating Outside A Toilet Facility. In future, whenever she accepted any award, there were always some people in the audience who heckled her to pee again. But these people do not understand that an artist such as Streep never repeats herself and so she never peed like that again. However, she did crap on a podium in France when receiving the Cannes Award for Le Best American Actrice Impressing Us By Not Doing A Commercial Movie But Playing In A Somber, Pretentious And Dull Artistic Movie. Europeans, in fact, loved that short. A Swedish critic wrote: "America's best movie in years, an existential study in human loss; the loss of urine symbolizing woman's loss of innocence yet a gain in spiritual tranquility, and especially bladderal serenity".

"Falling In Love, Falling On Her Face" is a sentimental drama about three Idaho s(p)i(n)sters, who weep a lot until the oldest one with the heavy Swedish (or Turkish?) accent falls in love with one of the farm hogs, and falls face-first into dog-shit when she fails to catch the hog. 39 Blowscars, including for Best Group Weeping In A Farming Community, Best Mysterious Accent, Best Actress Enjoying Having Her Leg Humped By The Family Dog, and Best Fake Tear Falling In Such Total Silence That One Can Hear It Go "Clang!".

The Woman With No Sex Appeal became an archetype with which more and more ugly, unmarried or divorced, middle-aged spinsters could identify with worldwide. Meryl's exponentially growing popularity meant that even Sydney Pollack could no longer ignore her, despite the fact that she was never an American Communist Party member. He offered her arguably her best role in the movie "Out Of South Africa"; this chilling weeper about a woman who refuses to eat until her husband, Nelson Mandela, is released from prison tested all of Streep's professionalism to the extreme: she had to lose thirty pounds for the role of Winnie Mandela, which she achieved by spending time with her friend Barbra Streisand, watching her pick her nose and eat the snot - thus losing appetite. Additionally, she was painted black. In the movie Mandela gets released after Robert Redford hires a French Communist Jean-Paul Sartre to kidnap five school-buses; he blows them up, one by one, until only one bus is left and the pro-Apartheid government is finally pushed into releasing Mandela. Many consider the movie's finale to be the most touching ever: in it, Redford, Streep, Mandela, and Sartre dance on the graves of the blown up white children, then have them dug out, cook their corpses, then serve them to the unaware, starving black children (****). There were Blowscars galore - 45 of them, including for Best Female Communist That Kills For Her Ideals But Also For Pleasure, Best Actress Doing A Finnish Accent While Playing A South African Black Woman, Best Female Engaging In Morally Justifiable Acts Of Terrorism And Cannibalism, and Best Actress Who Wouldn't Show Tits Even When Filming In 200 F Weather.

"A Bark In The Dark" has Streep sporting a pretty, fashionable hair-cut as she plays an Australian woman who feeds her babies to the dingos, until one day her animal-activist husband has had enough of her behaviour and reports her to an Animal Rights organization for upsetting the natural diet of wild animals. Her Zimbabwean accent won her rave reviews in Harare. 50 Blowscars, and a Cannes Award for Le Best Actrice Feeding Non-French Babies To Wild Animals. "A Bark In The Dark 2: More Dead Babies", the sequel to the hugely successful predecessor, features Streep with a totally shaved head for the first time and with an Indian accent; in the film she clones herself, then has her clones impregnated so that the babies are produced quickly enough to feed the ever more spoilt desert dogs, by now addicted to human flesh. This sensitive melodrama about the human condition and the condition of human flesh has as many as fifty scenes of large groups of women weeping - thereby recommendable to every female film-fan, and is essential viewing because it features up to thirty computer-generated Meryl Streeps, all weeping in astounding Dolby Sound Lucasfilm Stereo. 78 Blowscars, incl. for Best Female In Triplicate Feeding An Infant To A Wild Animal, Best Accent Changed Inexplicably In A Sequel, Best Bald Head On Top Of An Ugly Woman, and Best Human Bitch In No Danger Of Being Outbitched By Dozens Of Dog Bitches.

But Streep really hit her stride in "The Bridges Of Madison's Cunt", a roller-coasting depressing drama about a woman who bores her suitors to death with her stories about knitting, and the speed with which they leave her as soon as they wake up. Clint Eastwood, the original Man With No Name, teams up here with The Woman With No Sex Appeal, and the result is as chemically explosive as it is soothing to dogs; scientists have taken the movie's dialogues and played it to dogs and they fell asleep and then into comas. Clint Eastwood, abandoning most of his Man With No Name persona in favour of his 90s The Man Who Became Dull In Bad Films With Advancing Age, plays a man who falls in love with Streep and even encourages her to enter knitting and gossiping championships on first the local and then even state level. She comes in second in the knitting contest in which she made a kitchen cooking-glove shaped like Eastwood's penis. Streep does a Himalayan accent in the first half of the movie, switches to an Albanian accent half-way through, only to end with something resembling an Irish accent but with touches of the Swahili. 104 Blowscars, including for Best Female Who Talks, Knits, And Weeps, Best Actress Knitting A Penis While Gossiping About Her Neighbour's Breast-Implants, Best Actress Weeping In Three Different Accents In A Women's Picture, and Best Actress Who Probably Doesn't Have Tits And Therefore Won't Show Them.

"Knitting At Lughnasa" is the second of her knitting dramas, and has all the typical traits of a Streep movie: female co-stars that don't threaten with beauty - hence a big-nosed female cast, a sentimental drama with many reasons to weep, and another staggering attempt at outdoing herself with an accent, this time a Kambalusi accent (*****). 

The movie is based on a thrilling one-room play about five s(p)i(n)sters who talk about knitting, while secretly doing away their sexual frustrations with bananas and cucumbers under the table. 230 Blowscars, incl. Best Female Masturbating While Knitting And Gossiping, Best Female Dropping Her Banana Unintentionally On The Floor, Best Female Talking Unintelligibly In Kambalisian While Contemplating Between A Cucumber And A Broom, and Best Female Masturbating Without Reaching A Climax.

Her latest movie is the sublime "The Whores", co-starring Julianne Moore and Nicole Kidman. Streep's few detractors claim that she wouldn't sign the contract until she got a guarantee that Kidman would be sufficiently uglified so as not to upstage her; whether this is true or not, Kidman consequently got stuck with a fake, hawkish nose and her hair was infested with computer-generated lice, which apparently Streep insisted be shown in huge close-ups, so that the audiences could clearly see that Kidman has lice in her hair. On the other hand, nothing was required for Moore: she was sufficiently ugly. The movie is based on a novel written by Virginia Wolffff that is based on her story that was based on a joke her grandmother once told her about three gay porno stars and a nun. All clear? The movie is a humanistic study of assumed roles of individuals who convert to higher principles when their moral transgressions becomes too much to bear so that they hide behind neo-trigleterian facades. Clear? What it boils down to is three uglies bitching about men.

The film has the three middle-aged virgins indulging in voodoo in order to take revenge on all the men that wouldn't have their dried-up, titless bodies. It is a warm and sensitive study in estrangement, loneliness and very small, floppy breasts. The movie also tells the story of how three women cope with a world unwilling to accept the burden imposed on it by the incessant yakking of three vagina-dry spinsters. A hit with female cinema-goers who left entire cinemas covered with wet handkerchiefs, this monumental cinematic achievement will have you rolling with laughter or bored to tears if you are a man. Many say that a lot of those wet handkerchiefs in the cinemas over the world were made wet by men bored to tears, begging and even sobbing to their wives/girlfriends to leave the movie half-way through. Hence, ironically this might be the first "women's picture" in history that had more men crying in the audience than women. Predictably, it won 1045 Blowscars, incl. for Best Actress Co-Starring With An Aussie Scientologist Whore With A Fake Nose And Small But Fake Tits, Best Actress In A Movie Where Nothing Significant Happens For Three Hours Except For The Occasional Sobbing If We Can Really Count That As An Event, Best Middle-Aged Small-Breasted Actress Still Doing Dull Dramas Because No One Will Offer Her Big Bucks To Star In A Blockbuster Action Flick, Best Dried-Up Old Nipples Not Shown In Any Scene And Thank God For That, Best Virginia Wolffff Adaptation About Women Who Knit Voodoo Dolls And Scream About Being Sorry They Never Cut Off Any Penis, plus joint Blowscars she won with Kidman and Moore, for Best Group Lesbian Bitching Session Scene, Best Hidden Lesbian Overtures In A Supposedly Heterosexual Spinster Drama, Best Big-Nose Female Cast In A Drama, and Best Female Cast In A Lesbian Drama About Left-To-Dry Vaginas And Unreachable Penises. 

Meryl Streep loves children. She is the mother of five. Three of them are still alive. One of them she sacrificed to a dingo when she prepared for her role in "A Bark In The Dark", displaying her trademark professionalism and dedication to her craft [see BRANDO, Marlon]. The other child is rumoured to have been born with horns and still alive, safely tucked away by Satan to grow up in a hot place until it's ready to take over the world.

Meryl also loves all of the world's children. She is the current Ambassador of Goodwill for UNICEF, having succeeded Jane Fonda who had a brief but memorably successful run as one of UNICEF's most brutal Ambassadors to date. Streep knew it would be tough to follow in Jane Fonda's bloodied footsteps when she took over, but her different approach to corrupting children has something to be said for it; she has visited Ireland, where she criticized the children's accent, instructing them how to properly do an Irish accent. She has also been in India, impatiently screaming to children that their "French accents are no fucking good at all". She has even threatened kids at gun-point, during her visit in New Zealand, telling them that if they didn't get the accent right by nightfall she would "blow [their] brains". But this warm, generous actress killed no one; she merely fired a few warning shots into the ceiling to show that she wasn't kidding, and by the evening the kids were all able to adapt their New Zealandish accent "to a more suitable, Hungarian-sounding accent".

* To some critics The Woman With No Sex Appeal is an even more enduring and menacing character than Clint Eastwood's The Man With No Name.

** This was in 1983. Up until 1980 the Blowscar was a golden statuette of a fat, bald man (a producer) receiving a blow-job from a woman. Pressured by Political Correctness, the statue awarded in 1981 was changed to represent a fat woman receiving a blow-job from a young man, but this was abandoned after one of the Blowscar winners of that year pointed out the obvious illogicality of that statue.

*** A year later, Jack Palance also won a Blowscar for his acceptance speech when receiving the award for Best Old Actor Who'll Die Soon So We Better Give Him An Award Now, when he brought along a Playboy playmate and had missionary sex with her, while holding himself with only one hand.

**** Reportedly, dictator Idi Amin's favourite movie.

***** It turned out that the Kambalusi is a tribe numbering only 30 members, none of whom speak English. This sort of put in question the credibility of having a character with a Kambalusi English accent.

"What's a couple of million years in hell when I get to receive anywhere between 30 and 3000 awards every year from such beautiful, wonderful and dedicated Satanists?... Yes, Robert, I mean you, and yes Jane, you too, and how can I possibly forget Vanessa, Warren and Sean?... Susan and Tim: may Satan bless your evil and retarded offspring!... And Mr. Reiner and Mr. Pollack, Mr. Attenborough, and that little evil one with zero talent, Spike… and… oh, yes: that grandmother of all Satanists, Barbra!...

Babs, you're beautiful and in hell you will burn brightest, you big-nosed little horned bitch-devil you… My nose is only half-an inch smaller than yours, but in evil we are all behind you, way way behind, you ritualistic little baby-devouring sacrificial whore…  And well, I don't have the time to thank you all, 'cause you're all basically Satanists and that's why I love you and the Middle East (minus Israel) loves you and… well, fuck you all. I am the worst of all you cunts."


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