Wednesday, 17 September 2014

How To Lose Weight

IMPORTANT FOREWORD: Before reading these tips, know that I did NOT write the following article. It's a dietary instruction manual that I found on a park bench the other day, scribbled on a piece of paper. I merely wanted to share it with you, to have you see what kind of crazies roam around public parks these days.

Frankly, most of the content is quite shocking, and in no way shape or form do I condone this kind of language directed at fat people. When somebody is large (not fat, sorry for saying fat just then... there, I did it again, I must be an awful person as well) it is wrong to call such people names. They have feelings too, even if those feelings are nearly all food-orientated and food-dependent. They are people too, even if they do very often resemble a certain farm-yard animal with a big round nose much more than a human. But that's just appearances; we cannot allow ourselves to be so superficial and shallow as to judge people by how they look - even when they do look rather ridiculous holding all that fat underneath their skin like some sort of drug-couriers trying to score big with a 100-kilo stash of heroin. Essentially, it's wrong to judge - period. Judging others - for willingly eating exorbitant amounts of food hence becoming a burden to their family and society in general by becoming a piece of useless furniture that devours food that other people made - is very ugly behaviour indeed. The Bible clearly says "judge ye not, lest you be judged when ye get to be a blubber-collecting fattie", or something like that.

Tips On Losing Weight

1. Quit stuffing your bloated fat face with food. You're not a pig, you're a human being. Or at least used to be.

2. Get your ass off your couch once in a while, and take a walk with those lumbering trunks that were once human legs. Our ancestors didn't bust their balls working their asses off in horrible conditions day after day just so you can sit all day long in front of the TV, munching garbage, turning into a human piggy while feeling sorry for yourself like the loser you are. Pigs are cute, but only when they have 4 legs, you pig!

3. Eat less!

4. Get a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner (I won't say "significant other" coz that's politically-correct poofy shit) who isn't fat. Easier said than done, I know - especially if you're already a ballooning piglet. A thin or at least non-overweight partner might prevent you from obsessing over food, you chubby retard! Just make sure your thin partner isn't a chubby-muncher - a degenerate breed of fat-loving pervs who intentionally over-feed their partners because they get off on watching huge blubbers of fat bouncing up and down on your ridiculous, immobile body. Watch out for those freaks! They mean no good, and are secretly wanking while you eat your 5th pizza in a row! 15 years down the line when that surgeon starts cutting out excess amounts of flesh from your "tummy" (because you couldn't be bothered to lose weight the normal, intelligent way, you fat dope!), your chubby-munching partner will beg the surgeon afterwards to let him sniff the removed layers of fat - and believe me he will be sexually gratified, the deranged loon.

5. Put LESS food in your mouth, retard!

6. Stop making stupid excuses that you're "genetically programmed" to be a fat fuck. There is no such thing as a "fat fuck gene"! The last time I checked there were NO fat people in any gulag or concentration camp in the entire past century. You eat like a pig - you end up looking like one. You fat piece of shit. Get your shit together - as opposed to eating it.

7. Eat a lot LESS than you used to! Fucking obvious, right?

8. Quit lying to yourself that "looks aren't everything" and that you're "happy" with the way you look. We're not talking about looks here, you round-headed git! (Well, we are, coz when you're fat you're also ugly, not to mention almost impossible to have sex with.) We're talking about health! (Ignore what I wrote in the previous brackets.) Later on, when you become a diabetic, get bad knees, and fucked up this and that, you'll be wasting the tax-paper's money, you selfish walrus! I ain't paying for your fucking blubber! 

9. Women have a much smaller chance of getting pregnant when they're fat, and this can only be interpreted as nature's way of giving you fat people the middle finger! As if you deserve just one middle finger, you obese good-fer-nothing motherfuckers.

10. Buy less junk-food whenever you cart your bubble-ass into the nearest fucking Wal-Mart!

11. First there was the amoeba. Then the amoeba became a fish. Then the fish became an amphibian lizardy thingy. Then the slithery thingy became a cute rodent. The rodent became an ape, and the ape became man. All that bloody EFFORT, and for what?! Just so you could be fat, lazy and spoiled a billion years later, you damn stupid hippo! Neither the amoeba, the fish, the lizard thingy, the rodent nor the ape were ever FAT. Doesn't that tell you something? 

Awful, isn't it? I have never read a viler attack on a moronic demographic group. The despicable individual who wrote this is just so full of hate and intolerance, and bile practically oozes out of his every venomous word. Surely, there must be a more polite way to tell those damn fat fucks to lose weight and re-join the human race than by insulting them with ugly names! 


Now, finally a word from me: Wow, wasn't that something? What a weird, ugly rant! And the way he tried to fool you into thinking it was me writing that foreword! I bet that initially you thought that I wrote the foreword, and then by the time you read the concluding paragraph you decided that I must have written the entire text. Right? 

Wrong! This lunatic - whoever he is - wrote everything above the yellow line himself. I found this text not on a park bench but on a McDonald's seat (of all places).

Perhaps the paper I found wasn't left on the seat by the author of the 11-point list, but by the guy who wrote the intro and outro - who perhaps found the original list on a different piece of paper? Perhaps there were two people involved in this nonsense? If so, did they know each other? I have no clue.

What I do know for certain, however, is I'd never make fun of overweight people like this. They have a right to their own lifestyle, so who would I be to judge them? You must have read some of the other posts on this blog; do I seem like the kind of person who would judge others and be offensive in this manner?

Of course not. I practically invented political correctness! I am the last person to throw names at these fat fucking hogs.

What do you think about all those jackasses who believe in alien UFOs? Here's a text on the subject, the best of its kind from all the blogs about bullshit: 

Saturday, 13 September 2014

25 Best Comic-Book Illustrators Of All Time

Warning: The following text may be upsetting to people suffering from Smurfophobia, intellectualis hipsteria or snobberia histericcus. 

For all those of you misguided schlucks who called me a “hipster” and a “snob” – a particularly frequent occurrence on my Devin Townsend page - you must be now gasping in shock and realizing the folly of your confused ways as you see this post about comic-books. (Either that, or you're yawning.) After all, how many hipsters do you know who’d give comic-books the time of day? Write a whole page about them? Rank them? A Bob-Dylan-sniffing snob would never even admit to knowing what a comic-book is! Let alone talk about them in detail, as if he actually reads them (and those hipster snobs DO read them, because they have more skeletons in the closet than 89 Wooden Tigers). And they listen to ABBA. And they watch professional wrestling. They're full of shit.

They are not “graphic novels”. (I mean comic-books, not snobs. Obviously snobs aren’t graphic novels.) Only idiots call them that. That’s like calling a black person “African-American” (despite the fact that not all black people come from Africa, that some indigenous Africans are Arabs, and that most American blacks have never even been to Africa), but even dumber because comic-books don’t have “feelings” and won’t ever be upset by how you call them, not even if you refer to them as “infantile reading material for retards that don’t have either the attention-span or the intellectual capacity to move on to books”.

Am I a retard? You be the judge. Admittedly, there are arguments in favour of the FOR camp as well as the AGAINST camp.

To be totally honest though, I very rarely read comics these days – and when I do it’s on the computer, which doesn’t count, right? No…? It counts?... Whatever, I essentially abandoned them when I was around 14 and rarely looked back. For many years I barely touched one. But recently I have become a little nostalgic and have been looking back at the tons of stuff I used to collect and read back in the day when nose-picking was a way of life, not just a tissue-substitute. (None of my comics are booger-stained, thank you very much; I may be a messy person, but I always looked out for my comics. They were my babies; babies full of ladies with bare breasts but very few actual babies).

As a comic-book-obsessed kid, it was always ESSENTIAL to me that the drawing is excellent, or at least very decent, otherwise I wouldn’t go near a comic. The story was important, sure, but a good story with lousy illustrations? Forget it, I wasn’t interested. I’d much rather have superb drawing with a shitty story than vice versa, if given a choice between the two extremes. I was much like a little Nazi in that sense, totally into purity and perfection of the aesthetic side of things. (I was also a LOT pickier about women, even way back as when I was 8 or 9 and getting my first erections to nude ladies; I would never settle for an actress that wasn’t perfect.)

But before you start thinking I used to date Hollywood actresses when I was 8 (which I won’t deny or confirm), let me get back to comic-books. I decided to do this list for several reasons – because all complex and intelligent people nearly always do brilliant things for multiple reasons, right?

1. I thought it’d be fun to place nice-looking drawings on my blog, something I rarely get to do. (Picasso's ugly shit doesn't count as nice.)

2. Just out of curiosity, I checked out other such lists on the net, and realized immediately that other comic-book fans truly ARE retards. It’s usually Americans posting those “best-of” lists and Americans only focus on those dumb dumb dumb dumb superhero comics, which I had abandoned when I was 8. Yes, even as a little imbecile at the age of 8 I thought “screw this, Superman and Aquaman are way too dumb for me, I need to move on to something a little more interesting, less predictable and more classy”. While we’re on the subject, consider the fact that most comic-book-reading adults STILL focus just on superhero garbage, and aren’t even aware of the excellent stuff that’s out there. That's coz they're nerds and nerds never have good taste, in anything.

3. It gave me an opportunity to annoy fans of those cretinous American superhero comics.

4. It gave me an excuse to write about Smurfs.

The criteria used for judging visual quality: 1. Uniqueness. 2. Use of colour (if any). 3. Fluidity (don't know what else to call it, by I know what it means, hope you do as well). 4. Facial expressiveness i.e. ability to inject life into the characters.

25 Best Comic-Book Illustrators Of All Time

25. Don Lawrence - British

We start off - or I start off - with a guy who would never be on this list if I rated only facial expressiveness. Don only has three facial expressions for all of his characters: 1) the expressionless zombie look (most common; see above), 2) the evil grin, and 3) astonishment.
However, Storm simply looks great, and was a very fun read for a sniveling 14 year-old.

If you're a comic-book aficionado you might be surprised to find an English fella here, just as I am. He is sort of the Andy Murray of British comics. (Yes, the Brits suck at sports, in a big way.) I'd always thought Don was a Dutchman (despite the decidedly un-Dutch name) coz that's where the Storm serial was initially published.

Like most illustrators of adventure comics (i.e. non-caricature comics; you can tell I don't really know the international comic-book lingo), the illustrations start off at their best with episode 1 and then gradually decline in quality. As far as I remember, the first 7-8 episodes do not show a major drop in quality; that comes later; by episode 20 Storm looks shit. Illustrating in such detail eventually becomes a pain in the ass, I presume, which is why such illustrators get lazy and start rushing - which is when their comics start becoming crap.

24. Pierre Culliford aka Peyo - Belgian

I was obsessed with the Smurfs during a relatively short period when I was around 11. Their comics were very hard to come by, so I had to motivate my friends to find Smurf pages wherever they can and I'd buy them off. I think it's fair to say that could be classified as "obsession".

But I was only interested in the comics by Peyo. The retarded-looking TV kiddie cartoons did not interest me; everything outside of Peyo's comics that's Smurf-related stinks. 
Except the little figurines. I had a bunch of those.

Back then it didn't really strike me as particularly unusual that 100 blue males would live together with just one female (or in fact no females until she arrived in the village). Do they take turns? 
However, Peyo showed on several occasions that all Smurfs (except the intellectual one and the old geezer) lusted after Smurfette (with their tiny blue penises?) so that was all I needed not to be turned off. Nowadays, the Smurfs are probably all gay, so I do pity the current generation of kids for being brainwashed with LGBT propaganda at every corner. I wouldn't be surprised if Smurfette were now butch, screaming "girl power" (a bit of retarded pop-culture feminist propaganda for good measure) and was considering a sex-change.

Peyo's drawings may look primitive, but they're anything but. The technique is clean, fluid, precise and expressive (and by that I mean the little blue faces). Absolutely nobody can draw the little fuckers as well as he does, and if to you all smurfs - Peyo and non-Peyo ones - look alike then you're comic-book-blind. It's as simple as that. Sort of like being tone-deaf and not hearing the difference between garbage (Bon Jovi) and non-garbage (Led Zeppelin).

23. Vicente Segrelles - Spanish

Ol' Vince never fails to show a pair of boobs whenever there is a chance. And even when there isn't a chance - i.e. a rational excuse for it. In Vince's pseudo-medieval/fantasy world men get to wear clothes (and even armour in Tropical habitats) but women choose to sun-bathe, whether it's shiny or rainy.

Vince gradually started rushing his illustrations and the quality started dropping after the first few episodes of El Mercenario. Shown here is NOT the crap phase; on this list I will never be showing a cartoonist's weak phase, I will merely mention it if there is one.

22. Sergio Aragones - Spanish/American

Unlike some other cartoonists, especially the modern ones, Sergio isn't a cynic and his observations about those dumb humans are cheerful rather than nasty. His drawing style is fairly simple, but original and instantly recognizable. And his comics definitely look better in colour.

It's obvious that Mad Magazine snatched up the best American illustrators, and left the crap ones to Marvel & Co.

By "shit" I mean the average ones. They are merely crap by this list's standards.

21. Albert Uderzo - French

Everyone knows Asterix, so there's no point in going into lengthy commentary. Suffice it to say that the drawing drastically improved over the years. Compare the first episode with the 10th and then compare that to any of the recent ones. The fluidity of the drawing increases to the point where Uderzo is good enough to make it on this fine, prestigious list. I am sure he feels honoured.

20. Antonio Hernandez Palacios - Spanish

Tony has a great style. Not particularly original - compared to most illustrators on this list at least - but great to watch. Pity he's such a Commie fuckhead.

His comics have beautiful colours, so publishing them in black&white is pretty much retarded.

19. Jean Tabary - French

Iznogoud is the original Ahmedinejad. His ancestor or long-lost twin brother?

Tabary had wonderful, fluid strokes, but it took him several years and a number of Iznogoud episodes to improve his style to this level.

18. Fernando Fernandez - Spanish

His style is vaguely reminiscent of Palacios - except with much more nudage.

In Zora, Fernandez created a world in which women are almost always naked - in spite of farting about in the coldness of outer space most of the time! They must have GREAT heating in those ships. But do you hear me complaining? No! For a 13 year-old this was a feast for his eyes, and I don't find it bad now either. The bald head I do have a bit of an issue with; it's those damn futuristic cliches. "The future must be bald!" Why?

I can't even remember if I ever read the whole thing, I sort of just skimmed through, enjoying the drawings, the colours and the boobs.

Fernandez drew tits in all of his comics. Either he was a filthy old over-sexed man, or he knew what sells. Or both.

17. Benito Jacovitti - Italian

One of the most instantly recognizable styles on this list - which is anyway loaded with originality - is from this Italian lunatic. Most well-known for his western spoof Cocco Bill, but browsing through the net for panels, I found out that he had his loony hands in quite a few sexually explicit comics as well - and they appear to be much nuttier even than this one.

You can't draw a street hooker any better than this. You just can't. The same goes for sausages which are a trademark of his goofy comics.

His stuff looks great in colour, but works very well in black&white as well.

You didn't actually think I'd not show you one of his filthy X-rated comics?

16. Al Jaffee - American

What makes Al unique are several things: 1) his ability to make people look more ridiculous than any other cartoonist could do, 2) his on-target sense of humour, and 3) original ideas. He is one of those rare cartoonists whose material is occasionally laugh-out-loud funny, not merely amusing or cute.

The only thing that annoyed me was that he was a left-wing putz. (A New York Jew, so small wonder.) Fortunately, Mad Magazine wasn't an overtly political publication so I didn't have to deal with his nonsense often.

15. Jordi Bernet - Spanish

Torpedo was a very fun comic-book, and looking back on it, I realize that the drawing is pretty damn good as well.

It's almost as if Crumb wrote this scene.

The stories are far better than what one would normally expect from a gangster-type theme. Plenty of sex and violence, but mixed with black humour and unusual situations.

14. Mort Drucker - American

Did movie spoofs for Mad Magazine for decades, from the 60s onwards. His drawings started getting "thinner" i.e. weaker i.e. lazier after the 80s so I gradually lost interest. The quality of the gags very much depended on the movie being spoofed and who wrote them.

13. Alfonso Font - Spanish

It's interesting that whereas in rock/pop/metal music the northern European countries are the clear-cut winners and the South is pretty much useless, but when it comes to comic-books, it was the opposite: Spain, Italy, and France lead the way.

12. Alberto Breccia - Uruguayan/Argentinian

An Argentinian cartoonist with a very distinct style - something that can hardly be said of the Manga-drooling Japanese or of most prominent American illustrators with their damn stupid superhero clowns jumping around buildings in tights. I remember the Mort Cinder stories being very unusual.

Al drew faces as if they'd been attacked by gangs of aggressive cats.

11. Robert Crumb - American

To read the most sexually twisted, insane, unpredictable, brutally honest, introspective and dark (yet laugh-out-loud funny) comics you need not look further than Robert Crumb. 
The drawing style speaks for itself - the guy is a huge talent - but it's his stories as well that make his comics something quite different than anything else that's on this list. The drawings improve as Crumb gets older but they were very good to start with.

Read this hilarious story. Its handful of pages contain more latent wisdom about the human race and male-female relations than all the thousands of dumb politically-correct things Oprah has ever said put together.

It's as if Bob is some kind of a shameless, semi-autistic alien nerd who isn't embarrassed to reveal ANYTHING about himself, i.e. his demented inner life and very strange and perverted thoughts and fantasies. Yes, this does make him a favourite among the most depraved and deranged of comic-book folk, but it doesn't take away the fact that everyone wants to sneak a peak at his stories. Sort of like married guys and porn.

This is a great example of his spectacular, detailed shading and his superior penciling. Not to mention this insightful caption, another observation that is so very true (as for taste, Crumb likes his women thick-legged and powerful, so obviously the figure he chose to represent male sexual longing could be put into question).

If this list were about themes and content instead of the art (which is anyway terrific), Crumb would be in the top 3.  

A great example of Crumb's sharp wit and often (but not always) dry humour. The best stories - and highly recommended reading - are usually the autobiographical ones in which he mostly focuses on his extremely dysfunctional family, his unhappy sex-starved adolescence, his fears and neurosis, and his sexual shenanigans as an adult.

There is much controversy about Crumb's attitude toward blacks (not to mention women). Some of his (very extreme) earlier comics are taken as examples of his alleged blatant racism, but in this story there is a page in which he clearly denounces racists. Then again, he makes comments such as "angry-looking blacks" in his later stuff which suggests - to me at least - that he may be politically-correct on the surface but that deep down he might harbour a level of racism that we all have to some extent (including blacks themselves, who under the new unwritten "race laws" provided by the American PC Left are allowed to be racist and openly so.)

Not that all of his observations are genial, mind you. He does have a somewhat skewered view of the world and I sometimes totally disagree with him, but with such complete honesty toward himself (which very few people are capable of) comes often the possibility to also honestly and realistically appraise the retarded world that surrounds us. 
Crumb has a self-awareness that extremely few of us have (I do, as well); that allows him to be self-deprecating and self-critical to an extreme level, which is also rare. The harshness he reserves for himself gives him a right, in a sense, to exercise harshness toward others as well. Ironically, he also has a huge Ego and a sense of superiority (at least in his younger days), which one might not suspect would be possible given his extreme self-criticism and even self-loathing to some extent. He is a truly unique nerd and he pours all of that originality into his bizarre comics.

For a man who constantly refers to women as "mysterious", he ironically has them totally figured out in a sense. Reading this highly amusing story, one has no choice but to agree with Crumb; in fact, I would make this obligatory reading in High Schools. "My Troubles With Women" is one of his best stories and defines the female psyche better than any psychologist - because it's honest, raw, and to the point. No PC bullshit.

His insights regarding society as a whole, however, are not always accurate (his judgment occasionally being clouded by excessive resentment toward society - typical misfit), but his insights into male and female modes of behaviour are excellent. 

It is typical of many intelligent people to be adept at analyzing individual behaviour, but when it comes to understanding large groups of individuals i.e. society as a whole their logic crumbles (for any number of reasons), and they reach false conclusions. Crumb's overly critical attitude toward (American) society is a result of his abysmal adolescence, early self-loathing, and the excessive criticism that he applies to everything and everybody, including himself. If he finds so much to be wrong with America (while failing to detect the real culprits for this decay, because he clings on to certain outdated PC bullshit) then what would he have to say about Russian or Saudi Arabian societies?

Admittedly, with age he is mellowing out noticeably and shifting his positions on various subjects, even going so far as to look at the positive side in certain stories, though always with irony and sarcasm.

I thought it was hilarious that he and his wife decided to emigrate to France in the 90s, where they thought they'd find an "artistic haven" or some such stereotypical bullshit that certain Americans are suckered by but which has little to do with the real France. But the only true haven for the self-proclaimed "medieval man" would be a time-machine to transport him to the 16th century, devoid of technological progress which he detests. But I think that he senses that he'd fit there (or then) even less - i.e. a time when such individualism was not very tolerated. In some of his stories he has shown that he does appreciate the level of luxury that modern man enjoys - something most westerners are blissfully unaware of, especially the left-wing bitch-moan-groan-whine variety.

I had a chance to briefly talk to his wife Aline Kominsky (shown above) in 2012. She was very pleasant, talked about their kids, very much a latent yenta in spite of her phony-baloney "rebellious underground artist" image, one which she probably doesn't cultivate as much - now that she's at least somewhat part of the cultural Establishment, and gets face-lifts.


10. Hermann Huppen - Belgian

I rarely read Hermann, but because I am anything if not TOTALLY OBJECTIVE and EMPIRICALLY CORRECT, I have included him because his brilliance is obvious.

Blood and excessive violence, every boy's dream.

9. Floyd Gottfredson - American

Floyd is generally recognized (i.e. not just by me) for doing the best Mickey Mouse comics, along with a few Italians such as Scarpa and especially De Vita. All the other American ones were basically average, and some outright shit.

Floyd's Mickey Mouse episodes were geared for a wider audience, not the usual totally infantile humour and stereotypical adventures you'd find in other such comics that only 5 year-olds can enjoy. Floyd's stories are interesting and original. Even as a dumb clueless brat I could instantly tell a Floyd panel from a non-Floyd panel. He is that good.

8. Richard Corben - American

Corben's world is bombastic: full of large penises and even larger tits. Still, it never degenerated into cheap porn (not that I would have minded back in the day).

Corben created a revolution in my tiny pre-pubescent brain when I first saw Bloodstar and Mutant World as an 11 year-old. The tits certainly helped, but that wasn't the only reason I loved his comics. Their originality is obvious even from these few pages, both visually and content-wise.

Cruelty, weirdness, sex and violence were the hallmarks of Corben's comics. Unfortunately, his artwork got worse with every new issue. It's best not to bother with anything he did after the 80s. He eventually even started illustrating his stuff with computers, the result of which is below par.

Mutant World, one of Corben's very best full-length stories. He is also well-known for his excellent short stories which have somewhat weaker illustrations.

7. Roberto Raviola aka Magnus - Italian

The most popular comic-book in comic-book-crazy Yugoslavia, Magnus practically had more success with his fumetti there than back home in Italy. (Of course, part of the reason is that many Yugos don't read books much, and, once adult, can't seem to get past the comic-book phase.) 
The elegant and precise shading he uses and the uniqueness of his comics, especially Alan Ford (shown here), they alone guarantee him a high place on this list. I personally don't find these AF comics to be wildly funny (somewhat amusing on occasion) - because the humour tends to be primitive and obvious - but they are very entertaining due to weird story-lines set in some bizarre version of New York,  and of course the totally original illustrations which evoke a mood and a world all of their own.

While the humour may tend to be predictable and a little sophomoric, the stories are the complete opposite - going into all sorts of strange tangents. It's also interesting that Magnus utilized a combination of real-life and caricature drawings, depending on the "seriousness" of the individual characters; just one of several aspects of his comics that makes them so unique and enjoyable.

The first 75 episodes of Alan Ford were drawn by Magnus. The others I wasn't - and still aren't - that interested in because with different illustrators the comic lacks the aesthetic quality that My Royal Finickiness requires. It is interesting that Magnus's illustrations very gradually got weaker, from episode 1 to 75. The quality never turned shit, but the first 20 or so episodes look better than the last dozen or so episodes.
 Of course, would the casual Alan Ford fan notice these subtleties? I doubt it. Most fans don't even give a shit who the illustrator is. I do envy them for not being so nit-picky and as focused on detail as I am.


6. Carl Barks - American

You must think I'm retarded, right? "Another kiddie comic!" Yes, another. And feel free to shove my middle finger up your ass if that's your reaction.

I may or may not be retarded (it's a coin-toss) but don't underestimate this cartoonist, or any cartoonists which illustrate "kiddie" comics. Giving such a range of emotions to simply-drawn faces isn't nearly as easy as you might think, not to mention the simple stylishness of his drawings, and never digressing a millimeter from how the characters look.

He invented Uncle Scrooge, but did a roughly equal amount of Donald Ducks as well.

This sure brings back memories... Between the ages of 4 and 8 I used to read only Disney comics (including a brief stint with American superhero crap), and I knew exactly which episodes I wanted to read - the ones from Barks. 
I didn't know his name, of course, but I instantly recognized his ducks when I saw them. No duck-cartoonist could ever fool me into thinking he was THE one! A duck is not necessarily a duck, at least not a proper duck, and I only wanted proper ducks.

5. Julio Ribera - Spanish

This one is about a girl who lives in a cave with a lizard whose tail had been cut off. I don't remember what the vampire reference is about
There is zero chance this ever becomes a Hollywood movie (and thank God for that) because there are no guys here running around in tights chasing bad guys who also only have tights as part of their wardrobe.

It's a safe bet that 99% of American comic-book nerds had never even heard of this comic. Too busy are they nurturing their latently gay urges by salivating over muscle-filled superhero nonsense.

Le Vagabond des Limbes (or Aster Blistok as it's known in ex-Yugoslavian countries) is one of the most bizarre and interesting comics ever made. The colouring is essential; the black&white versions look inferior.

4. Winsor McCay - American

One of the earliest comic-book illustrators is easily one of the very best. I think even the most aesthetically-challenged retard should be able to recognize the brilliance of these drawings without help.

These Little Nemo dailies are all from around the 1905-1914 period, if I'm not mistaken.

Yes, this is just a silly little comic-book, but might it be too "heavy" for your average Spiderman-obsessed Joe Shmoe? Possibly. I don't think those tards can handle any concept or story more complex than a morally superior, selfless hero dressed like a buffoon chasing bad guys across the globe. Superhero comics are the equivalent of rap music and Bon Jovi: trash for the masses.
OK, I exaggerate a bit. Nothing, plant or animal, is nearly as vile as that shitty band.

The time and effort this obvious perfectionist put into every panel puts the vast majority of modern illustrators to shame. Certainly back in Winsor's era, he must have had ample time to do a proper job, rather than have to meet deadlines and rush his cartoons.

3. Andre Franquin - French

Of all the caricature/"kiddie"-comics cartoonists, the Frenchman Franquin is the most brilliant. He has the most fluid strokes. 

Although, his early drawings are inferior to what he drew later on. One can easily see the vast improvement in his technique by following Gaston from the early days onwards. 

It is very typical that these kinds of cartoonists usually improve with time, whereas the "serious" illustrators usually start at their best and then get worse with time.

Can anyone draw a shark this well? Picasso, perhaps? Picasso's shark would look like an elephant that had gone on a forced diet.

When a simple caricature of a woman is this sexy, then you know you're looking at drawings made by a genius.

2. Jean Giraud aka Moebius - French

Moebius is hands-down the best of the so-called "serious" illustrators. Much like Corben, he creates bizarre sci-fi imagery that sticks in the mind, but with better technique. He is most famous for the bizarre Incal series and his weird short stories.

Just because Moebius did "silly little" comics instead of pretentious canvas bullshit with three-legged kids drawn with less than a dozen lazy strokes, he and those like him are considered "lower artists" or even non-artists compared to blotch-making charlatans such as Picasso or Pollock. 
For some stupid reason a drawing or painting counts less when it's accompanied by balloons with texts inside them. Perhaps there isn't enough "mystery" in comics for the average pretentious poseur/imbecile/hipster who is seeking to convince himself and others of his non-existent intellect. Moebius also isn't overtly political like all the picassos of this world, so obviously he wouldn't get the media push that all prominent Commies get. All Picasso needed was to fart onto a canvas and there was a brigade of journalists and art-critics (cretins) ready to stick their microphones into his face to find out WHY he farted and HOW.


1. Vjetropev - Serb
If you've never heard of my comics till now - where the fuck have you been?

Yes, that's right, I AM the best. Note how I chose to publish all my art in black&white, which is just one of many ways in which I justify my position as the no. 1 underground artist in the world. You're free to add in colour if you want (as long as you purchased my comics instead of downloading them for free like some cheap-ass scum!), but make sure there's a lot of red, coz my stories are full of allegory, and we all know what THAT means: buckets of bloody gore pouring out of every orifice of my brilliantly fleshed-out characters.

Now, SOME of you judgmental assholes might think The Mighty Knee-Smasher looks a tad simplistic - i.e. those of you unfamiliar with advanced inking and edgy art. I.e. those of you dummies who think that complexity is always the way toward dramatic perfection. Well, think again, losers! The fluidity of my strokes - and I say this totally without bias - are second to none. And the more said about the insightful narrative, the better.

Go on, say it. Say more about the insightful narrative. I don't want to elaborate on it any further or it might seem as if I'm boasting.

Inspired to read a good comic-book? How about one that I co-wrote: 

Or perhaps you want to find out whether you're an imbecile by doing my "imbecile test"? Here it is: