Sunday, 20 April 2014

Fatties In The Wild

Discovery Channel's "Dual Survival" series and a multitude of other survival shows have already shown us extensively that one never need give up all hope (just 90% of it) if/when stuck in the middle of nowhere, and they have taught us in detail what it takes to survive in very hostile environments. Provided, of course...

... Provided you're a barefoot blond Indian who knows everything about fire, water, protein-rich insects and shelter, or you're a gung-ho alpha-male woodsman who can take on an alligator and win, or you're a tough army vet who'd survived duties in Iraq and Afghanistan.

And provided your name is Bear and you'd climbed Everest only 18 months after having suffered a parachuting spine injury, and you enjoy drinking your own wee-wee, and you're a fucking left-wing sleazeball.

What this great show hasn't shown us yet, however, is how very fat people could survive in extreme conditions and dire situations. Not for a lack of trying, though! Discovery Channel already shot an entire season of a "Dual Survival" spin-off series called "Fatties in the Wilderness", but due to various legal and technical difficulties all of these episodes were shelved and never shown to the public.

The media has underestimated me once again, coz I can get my grubby hands on anything I want. And here it is. These are snapshots of all the episodes. What the series lacks in educational value it makes up for in sheer shock value.

Fatty Survival

Episode 1: Stella in Hunger Is A Bitch
Survival Skills: saving money for a bigger fridge, collecting Wal-Mart coupons. 

"Being left alone, sitting on a tiny tree that's only half the size of my ass, is not easy. The beach is 30 feet away and I don't know how to get there, aside from swimming which is not an option coz it's just too exhausting and I hate being tired. It's Hour 2, and I have already eaten half of the tree. By the time Hour 4 is up, the tree will be gone and I shall have to drown. Survival shmurvival, I hate myself anyway." 


Episode 2: Glen in I'm Hungryyyy
Survival Skills: lying on sofa, raiding fridge, and devouring large quantities of food. 

"Day 2, and I'm finally beginning to make progress. I've successfully rolled myself all the way from those trees to the beach, where I found this discarded bottle. I wondered if I could use it as cordage to hang myself with, but eventually realized that it's much more useful as a drinking tool. Unfortunately, drinking isn't nearly as much fun as eating, so I still wanna top myself. Still, after 3 hours of digging through my stomach flabs, I've finally succeeded in finding my pecker which shot a whole bunch of wee into the bottle. The production team told me to drink it, but I refused. Only after I made them sign a document right in front of me that I'd get a month's worth of free food at Pizza Hut did I finally agree. It tastes nothing like soda, and all I wanna do now is curl up and die. So long, cruel world!" 


Episode 3: Stacey in Beached Whale
Survival Skills: elbowing her way toward the counter in long cues at McDonalds. 

"Boy, oh boy, this ain't gonna be easy... I been sittin' here for hours and no fish even showed up, let alone jumped into my stomach flabs which I have cleverly prepared as storage for food that I catch. I don't get it: how do those fisherman bring home fish? I thought the buggers just show up and you swoop 'em up an' eat 'em... I briefly considered gettin' off my ass, but that requires too much effort so I'm just gonna sit here until the crew start feelin' pity for me and then start feedin' me. That will make for great television, and they'll be thankin' me afterwards." 


Episode 4: Bob and Jessica in This Damn Fucking Island.
Bob's Survival Skills: keeping his stomach full.
Jessica's Survival Skills: none.

"Stranded on the beach of a remote island, with nothing to eat is really tough going... I am struggling to even get my ass off the sand. Sent my daughter to find a crane, but she gave up after just 3 hours, claiming there were no cranes on the island at all. She's a lazy little cunt. Speaking of which, it's only Hour 4 of Day 1, and already I am fantasizing about eating her. If she gets close enough again, I shall make my move." 


Episode 5: Linda and Mary in Forest Deathtrap
Survival skills: hollering for food, ordering pizzas via telephone, and complaining about hunger until someone responds and brings them some. 

"Day 1, Hour 1. Me and Linda are in a scenario where we're stranded with a truck that is almost as big as the two of us, without gasoline (which we drank) and without food (which we ate while preparing for the trip). We're in northern Wyoming, one mile away from the nearest Wal-Mart, and I'll be damned how the fuck we supposed to get there! The terrain is totally inhospitable, meaning that there are no carts and no cranes anywhere between us and Wal-Mart, and we are forced to survive using only our survival skills... Linda, are you ready?... Yes, I am, Mary. Linda, on the count of three we start holering for food. 1, 2, 3... WE WANNA EEEEEEEEAAAAAAT!" 


Episode 6: Kenny and Ed in Stuck In A Water-Park Without Sausages.  
Survival Skills: signaling to waiters to bring more food, opening mouth in order to breath, and connecting lips when devouring food. 

"Ed will probably agree with me that getting out of this pool without the aid of other people will be the biggest challenge any large person has ever had in the entire history of the planet... He is vigorously nodding; yes, he agrees. Ed struggles to talk when he's hungry. Our first plan was to climb on top of another in order to get out, but that plan failed when Ed's piggy nose started hallucinating roast-beef smells and let me fall back into the water when he moved toward the smell. We then switched places; he tried climbing on me, but the sight and smell of his fat ass as it leaned on my face reminded me how damn hungry I was (and still am) and I snapped his ass with my teeth, trying to bite off a chunk of what looked to me at that moment as freshly cooked white chicken meat. I apologized immediately, but he fell off me and refused to get up again after that. Our next strategy? Flip a coin to see who gets to eat our shorts." 



Episode 7: Catherine in Vicious Harbor
Survival Skills: hoping for the best. 

"Being stranded on Miami's harbour without a vehicle is probably the toughest thing I've ever done - ever. This afternoon the production crew had to haul me out of a nearby McDonalds kicking and screaming, saying it's time to start the adventure. Boy, was I mad! But then I realized that I better get going coz this show could launch my TV career which would result in a much bigger food-budget. It's Day 1, Hour 3, and I am so lucky to have found my first meal! He is one of those large-women fetishists i.e. fat-ishists, and thinks I'm gonna have sex with him or something. Now, while I would have wanted a guy like this for sex 15 years ago, now all's I wanna do is eat him. I will ask Cody how best to cook a man, and hopefully he'll be served to me by dinner!" 


Episode 8: Blythe in The Spy Who Dumped Me.  
Survival Skills: cooking, wal-marting, and swallowing large chunks of food without chewing much. 

Mission: armed with nothing more than a water-scooter and body-fat reserves good enough to keep her alive for just 3 years, the goal was to reach the safety and carnal pleasures of Florida's latest underwater Wal-mart. However, even though thoroughly fed by Discovery Channel's 3 cooks just before the mission's commencement, only 5 seconds into the adventure Blythe started complaining of hunger. Unfortunately, just a minute later she forgot herself and reached out with both hands for one of the fish swimming by which she thought were ready-to-eat. Predictably, she fell off the scooter, landed on a turtle (that needed 33 stitches on its armor), and barely survived even though Discovery Channel's crew had at their disposal 11 divers and 5 cranes to haul her ass off the sea floor.


Episode 9: John in Food: Fight or Flight
Survival Skills: leaning back in comfy chair while waiting for snack time. 

"I thought long and hard before finally accepting Discovery Channel's offer to try and survive in a 3-hour flight with nothing but airline food. It's Minute 11, and I am already regretting it. I am counting seconds now, and believe it's best to just doze off until we finally get there." 


Episode 10: Rick in Garden Survival
Survival Skills: phoning the refrigerator-repairman within minutes of finding a problem with the fridge, helping others wipe their plates clean, and XL-sized marshmallows. 

Mission: pace around the garden impatiently while waiting for the pizza deliveryman to finally show up. 
Alas, Rick was a little too impatient and nervous, and kept circling around his garden swimming pool until he slipped on a banana. In a case of high irony, he had refused to eat that banana a week earlier when it was offered to him by his fitness coach (who was fired by him after just one day), and had thrown it outside the house window in a fit of rage. 


Episode 11: Christina in Within Meters of Civilization
Survival Skills: cashing monthly unemployment checks, eating off other people's plates when they aren't watching. 

"I am really excited about this! They left me stranded in the middle of nowhere on a bridge next to the central park, with nothing but a bike, and a basket with 3 Big Macs, 5 pizzas, and 8 sodas. It's Hour 1, and I've already gobbled up all that stuff plus the basket, and the bike broke down after only 3 meters, which isn't even such a bad thing when you consider how tough it is to move the paddles for longer than a minute. Fortunately, there's a bench right here! I will sit on it until they find me and finally feed me. This survival stuff is so friggin' cool!"


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