Wednesday, 17 September 2014

How To Lose Weight

IMPORTANT FOREWORD: Before reading these tips, know that I did NOT write the following article. It's a dietary instruction manual that I found on a park bench the other day, scribbled on a piece of paper. I merely wanted to share it with you, to have you see what kind of crazies roam around public parks these days.

Frankly, most of the content is quite shocking, and in no way shape or form do I condone this kind of language directed at fat people. When somebody is large (not fat, sorry for saying fat just then... there, I did it again, I must be an awful person as well) it is wrong to call such people names. They have feelings too, even if those feelings are nearly all food-orientated and food-dependent. They are people too, even if they do very often resemble a certain farm-yard animal with a big round nose much more than a human. But that's just appearances; we cannot allow ourselves to be so superficial and shallow as to judge people by how they look - even when they do look rather ridiculous holding all that fat underneath their skin like some sort of drug-couriers trying to score big with a 100-kilo stash of heroin. Essentially, it's wrong to judge - period. Judging others - for willingly eating exorbitant amounts of food hence becoming a burden to their family and society in general by becoming a piece of useless furniture that devours food that other people made - is very ugly behaviour indeed. The Bible clearly says "judge ye not, lest you be judged when ye get to be a blubber-collecting fattie", or something like that.

Tips On Losing Weight

1. Quit stuffing your bloated fat face with food. You're not a pig, you're a human being. Or at least used to be.

2. Get your ass off your couch once in a while, and take a walk with those lumbering trunks that were once human legs. Our ancestors didn't bust their balls working their asses off in horrible conditions day after day just so you can sit all day long in front of the TV, munching garbage, turning into a human piggy while feeling sorry for yourself like the loser you are. Pigs are cute, but only when they have 4 legs, you pig!

3. Eat less!

4. Get a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner (I won't say "significant other" coz that's politically-correct poofy shit) who isn't fat. Easier said than done, I know - especially if you're already a ballooning piglet. A thin or at least non-overweight partner might prevent you from obsessing over food, you chubby retard! Just make sure your thin partner isn't a chubby-muncher - a degenerate breed of fat-loving pervs who intentionally over-feed their partners because they get off on watching huge blubbers of fat bouncing up and down on your ridiculous, immobile body. Watch out for those freaks! They mean no good, and are secretly wanking while you eat your 5th pizza in a row! 15 years down the line when that surgeon starts cutting out excess amounts of flesh from your "tummy" (because you couldn't be bothered to lose weight the normal, intelligent way, you fat dope!), your chubby-munching partner will beg the surgeon afterwards to let him sniff the removed layers of fat - and believe me he will be sexually gratified, the deranged loon.

5. Put LESS food in your mouth, retard!

6. Stop making stupid excuses that you're "genetically programmed" to be a fat fuck. There is no such thing as a "fat fuck gene"! The last time I checked there were NO fat people in any gulag or concentration camp in the entire past century. You eat like a pig - you end up looking like one. You fat piece of shit. Get your shit together - as opposed to eating it.

7. Eat a lot LESS than you used to! Fucking obvious, right?

8. Quit lying to yourself that "looks aren't everything" and that you're "happy" with the way you look. We're not talking about looks here, you round-headed git! (Well, we are, coz when you're fat you're also ugly, not to mention almost impossible to have sex with.) We're talking about health! (Ignore what I wrote in the previous brackets.) Later on, when you become a diabetic, get bad knees, and fucked up this and that, you'll be wasting the tax-paper's money, you selfish walrus! I ain't paying for your fucking blubber! 

9. Women have a much smaller chance of getting pregnant when they're fat, and this can only be interpreted as nature's way of giving you fat people the middle finger! As if you deserve just one middle finger, you obese good-fer-nothing motherfuckers.

10. Buy less junk-food whenever you cart your bubble-ass into the nearest fucking Wal-Mart!

11. First there was the amoeba. Then the amoeba became a fish. Then the fish became an amphibian lizardy thingy. Then the slithery thingy became a cute rodent. The rodent became an ape, and the ape became man. All that bloody EFFORT, and for what?! Just so you could be fat, lazy and spoiled a billion years later, you damn stupid hippo! Neither the amoeba, the fish, the lizard thingy, the rodent nor the ape were ever FAT. Doesn't that tell you something? 

Awful, isn't it? I have never read a viler attack on a moronic demographic group. The despicable individual who wrote this is just so full of hate and intolerance, and bile practically oozes out of his every venomous word. Surely, there must be a more polite way to tell those damn fat fucks to lose weight and re-join the human race than by insulting them with ugly names! 


Now, finally a word from me: Wow, wasn't that something? What a weird, ugly rant! And the way he tried to fool you into thinking it was me writing that foreword! I bet that initially you thought that I wrote the foreword, and then by the time you read the concluding paragraph you decided that I must have written the entire text. Right? 

Wrong! This lunatic - whoever he is - wrote everything above the yellow line himself. I found this text not on a park bench but on a McDonald's seat (of all places).

Perhaps the paper I found wasn't left on the seat by the author of the 11-point list, but by the guy who wrote the intro and outro - who perhaps found the original list on a different piece of paper? Perhaps there were two people involved in this nonsense? If so, did they know each other? I have no clue.

What I do know for certain, however, is I'd never make fun of overweight people like this. They have a right to their own lifestyle, so who would I be to judge them? You must have read some of the other posts on this blog; do I seem like the kind of person who would judge others and be offensive in this manner?

Of course not. I practically invented political correctness! I am the last person to throw names at these fat fucking hogs.

What do you think about all those jackasses who believe in alien UFOs? Here's a text on the subject, the best of its kind from all the blogs about bullshit: 


  1. Ground-breaking science - who would have thought? Eat less and move more - nah, surely you must be joking!, Are you sure I don't need to take 10 weight loss pills and get my fat frozen while I'm at it?

    Of course the lunatic man must be lashed for his political incorrectness - how dare he try to violate my god-given right ot stuff my face :)?

    1. The lunatic man - or men. We don't really know how far-reaching this conspiracy is. Perhaps many people like myself have found such texts lying around seats and benches? Perhaps The League Of Food-Hating Anorexics had organized this? Oprah's ass? There are rumours that Oprah's ass has a mind of its own and does not always comply with the "main" Oprah, the ugly round circular evil thing sitting on Oprah's shoulders. I cannot confirm or deny.

      The animated film" WALL-E". Fact or science fiction? Perhaps that movie's producers are behind all this, sending their men in black all over the world to spread this vile propaganda that excessive eating makes one an unhealthy, useless member of society. Whoever's heard of such shit? The obese have a huge advantage once WW3 starts; some of them have fat reserves to last them for years - while the rest of us "healthy eaters" will be forced to scrounge for radioactive cockroaches for breakfast.