Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Oscars For Best Tits (1968-2013): The 90s

It's very likely that I will be closing all Tits Oscars posts on this blog soon. To find all the Tits Oscars posts, 1967-2013, visit this blog instead: 

The Acadumby Awards, better known as the Oscars, is one of the stupidest, phoniest, cheesiest, and most ridiculous annual events (of any kind) in the world - that much we know. However, what very few of you do know is that every year Hollywood honours actresses with the obscure but to me most prestigious award of them all - the Best Tits Oscar.

I am quite pleased (and a little proud too I have to admit) to inform you that I have been the Chairman of this award ceremony since its inception in 1968. That year, Hollywood realized that decadence had finally hit the big screens to the extent where there were enough boobs to validate the existence of such an award. Until then, bare tits were rarely seen in films, due to heavy censorship laws, the fact that there were less sluts in show-biz, and because the Kremlin-pushed hippie revolution hadn't yet happened i.e. brought about a general lowering of standards.

Very importantly, the breastal winners aren't decided by the usual 5,000 morons who infest Tinseltown and vote for those idiotic regular Oscars. As a result, factors such as political orientation, nepotism, and pat-on-the-back favouritism do not influence the outcome in any way. As Chairman of these awards, I personally handpick the 5,000 voters, and I can assure you that they are all male and straight. There's none of that nonsense of gays and women deciding what does or doesn't constitute a beautiful female body, as is the case with Hollywood and the fashion world these days (which is why we have increasingly ugly women celebs such as Jennifer Aniston - who has very shit tits, as well, I might add).

How did I pick the 5,000 voters? I'd decided that the best men for the job are chronic masturbators.

RULES: Documentaries, movie shorts, music clips, and porn are not eligible. Silicone implants are banned from competing, so you won't be seeing any of those; breast implants are a form of cheating, but more importantly they're extremely ugly. All nominees get their breasts hand-tested, in cases where it's not 100% sure whether their tits are real or not. Asking them whether their boobs are fake isn't enough since, as we all know, actresses tend to lie a lot - and not just on casting couches.

LAYOUT: Each year shows ALL the outstanding tits. Actresses with average or shitty tits are not included, no matter how famous they may be. FIVE of these are selected to be actual nominees, just like with the regular shitty Oscars. The winner and the other four nominees are all marked with bold orange lettering. For those of you who still don't get it: these 5 are the best of the year. All the candidates - nominees and non-nominees - aren't listed in any particular order, except the winner who is shown at the end of each year's list.

So now that you know who picked the winners and what the criteria are, check out the lucky gals who got to carry home these prestigious awards for showing their great tits to the general public.

A more primitive version of the Best Tits Oscar list had first been posted by me in 2009.

Oscars For Best Tits: 1990-1994


Dominique Journet in "Serie Rose"

Sherilyn Fenn in "Meridian" & Susan Sarandon" in "White Palace"

Guiditta del Vecchio in "Jours tranquilles a Clichy" & Charlotte Gainsbourg in "Night Sun"

Trine Dyrholm in "Springflod", Kerry Fox in "An Angel At My Table" & Mathilda May in "Naked Tango"

Anna Galiena in "Jours tranquilles a Clichy"

Stacy Brink in "Ski School" & Marsha Mason in "The Image"

Valeria Bruni Tedeschi in "C'es la vie" & Monica Bellucci in "Vita coi figli"

Dona Speir in "Guns" & Emanuelle Escourrou in "Baby Blood"

And The Winner of The Best Tits Oscar Is...

Jennifer Connelly in "The Hot Spot"

Acceptance Speech: "It is with the utmost modesty and joy that I hold this amazing award in my hands. Thank you to everyone who voted to have my tits immortalized with this by-now legendary statuette. To actually beat such tit-legends as Dominique and Anna is a blessing and the dream of every aspiring starlet and floozie. Creating art - with the aid of bare-naked tits - is a process that requires dedication, hard work, and plenty of exhibitionism. The very idea that my melons get ogled by millions of lusting, horny, sweaty men excites me, thrills me and reminds me time and time again what a blessing it is to be a movie actress today. And yet, even though my tits may be great now, who knows how they'll look in 20-30 years. So I've decided to find a really powerful Hollywood director and marry him. That guarantees you at least one role a year. I think it might be Ron Howard, I've seen how the nepotistic little runt stares at me at Hollywood parties, no doubt his Ego must be so huge he'll never suspect that he's too ugly for me and that I'm just looking to benefit from his movie power. Oh well, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."


Saskia Reeves in "Close My Eyes" (left) + "The Border Country" (right)

Mimi Rogers in "The Rapture" & Elsa Lunghini in "Le retour de Casanova"

Natasa Tic (not "Tits") Ralijan & Perica Martinovic in "Djuka Begovic"

Mathilda May in "Becoming Colette" & Sarah Trigger in "Fellow Traveler"

  Michelle Johnson in "Tales From The Crypt" & Katherine Armstrong in "Ambition"

Kate Langbroek in "Chances"

Corinne Bourdon in "Van Gogh"

Elizabeth Kaitan in "Vice Academy" & Irene Jacob "The Double Life of Veronique"

Kristina Fulton in "The Doors" & Sophie Marceau in "Pour Sacha"

Natalya Shchukina in "Nebesa obetovannye"

Geno Lechner in "Liebe auf den ersten Blick"

Geraldine Pailhas in "La neige et le feu"

Judith Godreche in "Paris s'eveille"

And The Best Boobs Of The Year Are...

Geneviève Picot in "Proof"

Acceptance Speech: "What a wonderful, wonderful award you've given me for my lovely puffy nips. But this isn't about my tits, is it? It's about Art. (Chairman Vjetropev is shouting that it's about the tits.) I hope everyone sitting here today appreciates the kinds of sacrifices us actresses make every day for our Art. For example, giving in to the director who insisted that Hugo Weaving drools all over my boobs in that significant boob-winning scene. Have you any idea how disgusting that is? Hugo is a very ugly man, and I pick my men carefully, so you can imagine how many vomit bags I had to fill before that awful day of shooting was finally over. Hugo, of course, might one day become a star and find his own pair of stunning breasts to drool over, but right now he is a nobody and there's nothing worse than having to shoot a sex scene with a guy who's a nobody. Still, I will always be remembered as the tart who seduces a blind man in an Aussie drama nobody's even heard of, and that's no minor feat."


Mathilda May in "Toutes peines confondues" (left) & Monique Gabrielle in "Evil Toons"

Corinna Harfouch in "Thea und Nat", Helen Hunt in "Waterdance" & Jane March in "The Lover"

Lena Headey in "Waterland" & Romane Bohringer in "Les nuits fauves"

Charlotte Gainsbourg in "Amoureuse"

Tatjana Simic in "Flodder in Amerika"

Debora Caprioglio in "Spiando marina"

Jennifer Ehle in "The Camomile Lawn"

Rachel Weisz in "Advocates II"

Framziska Traub in "Die zweite Heimat"

Marie Riva in "Rien du tout"

Carolin Fink in "Die zweite Heimat" & Irina Lackmann in "Kinderspiele"

Irene Kugler in "Die zweite Heimat"

And The Best Tits Of The Year Are...

Penelope Cruz in "Jamon Jamon"

Acceptance Speech: "Me gusta mucho de recibir esta statueta titusa, y I wanna say how happy I am that all that fake fucking on the screen paid off so good by me winning this great award. And I first Spanish winner of Best Tits Award so that make me double happy. I bet you all think it's another dumb Pedro Almodovar film? No, "Jamon Jamon" was directed by Duran Duran. Ha! I make little joke. No, that fat cabron Pedro had nothing to do with this el film, and you can actually tell it's not his el film coz there is no sexual perversion, and no ugly women showing their tits while overacting. An' I bet many actresses I beat this year are jealous of me, no? I bet that nepotistic putana Helen Cunt thinks just coz she decadent nepotistic produce of famous parents who get her a film career on silver plate that she gonna win big award like this immediately? Well, she wrong! She got nice tits to go with that ugly face, I admit, but I carry this award home, and I now so motivated to show my boobies in so many movies I make in future. I think I gonna have a great career as long as my boobs don't start falling down, no? Spanish films always have tits - coz we decadent like the French - so they always gonna want me to do panting, and screaming and nude tits jumpin' up and down and fake fucking in car-parks, no?"


Barbara Ricci in "The Washing Machine"

 Esther Hausmann in "Derrick" & Asia Argento in "Trauma"

Mädchen Amick in "Dream Lover"

Stephanie Cooper & Carmel Johnson in "Bad Boy Bubby"

Julie Walters in "The Wedding Gift" & Monica Bellucci in "Briganti"

Jennifer Tilly in "Shadow of the Wolf" & Penelope Ann Miller in "Carlito's Way"

Joely Richardson in "Lady Chatterley"

Rosanna Arquette in "The Wrong Man" + "Nowhere to Run"

Lysette Anthony in "Tales from the Crypt"

Sarah Trigger in "Deadfall"

Katja Riemann in "Ein Mann fur jede Tonart", Lili Taylor in "Household Saints" & Christiane Paul in "Ich und Christine"

Oksana Arbuzova in "Zaveshchaniye Stalina" & Sherilyn Fenn in "Boxing Helena"

Pamela Rabe in "Sirens"

Ruth Marshall in "Love & Human Remains"

Tatyana Chepikova in "Malenkiy gigant bolshogo seksa"

And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Madonna in "Body of Evidence"

Acceptance Speech: "Ha! I finally won an Oscar! As I knew I would. The whole world knows about my immense talents, which stretch all the way from impersonating a singer to flashing my tits on stage and flashing my tits in movies, but OK, I forgive the world, you know. Soon - very soon - I will get the other Oscar too, and then I'll be a legend like Marilyn Monroe, who is maybe beautiful whereas I'm fucking ugly, but hey it's the 90s, and nowadays you just need to be an asshole to succeed. And when I have both Oscars in my hands, I will be the most important woman in the universe, and everyone will listen to my important political views on why wars are bad and why Sean Penn is an intellectual and not a moron, and people will read my books about agriculture, architecture, astrophysics, cooking, psychology and French literature! And all will bow before me and recite the Kaballah over and over until I allow them to take a break to eat and shit, and I will replace Jesus as the new God, and all will love me as their one and only true queen, and my music will be played on loud-speakers in city squares all over the world at 300 decibels 24 hours a day, and my genetically perfect children will be treated as the future messiahs of the world, and I will own all the oceans and the mountains, and even the little rivers that go to all those strange countries where I tour to make huge amounts of money from all those cretins who buy my tickets, and I will still not be content!!! Oh my God, I suddenly feel like Cate Blanchet in Fellowship of the Ring in that scene when she puts the Ring of Power on her finger and visualizes killing everybody with a large machine-gun! I so agree with Camigula or whatever the hell his name was; if only all my enemies had one neck so I could snap it!"


Valeria Bruni Tedeschi in "Oublie-moi" & Marie Gillain in "Marie"

Meredith Baxter in "My Breast" & Joy Gregory in "Blink"

Lysette Anthony in "Save Me"

Lara Flynn Boyle in "The Road to Wellville" & Liz Hurley in "Sharpe's Enemy"

Jane March in "Colour of Night"

Nadia Fares in "Elles n'oublient jamais"

Kate Beckinsale in "Uncovered"

Ruth Gabriel in "Running Out of Time"

Aleksandra Kaniak in "The Art of Passion"

Debra Beatty in "Witchcraft VI"

Cristi Harris in "Night of the Demons 2"

Sandrine Kiberlain in "Les patriotes"

Vanessa Guedj in "Les braqueuses" & Michele Shor "The Sexual Life Of The Belgians"

Julie Delpy in "Killing Zoe"

Virginie Ledoyen in "La regle de l'homme" (photo) + "L'eau froide" & Sandrine Holt in "Rapa Nui"

Kerry Fox in "Shallow Grave" & Bo Derek in "Woman Of Desire"

And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Mathilda May in "La teta y la luna"

Acceptance Speech: "When you sign up for a movie called The Tit & The Moon then you pretty much know what you're in for - namely plenty of tits! There's milk squirting out of tits, tits being taken out in the middle of the street in broad daylight, plenty of fucking of course, and even little boys sucking on tits; you know, the usual plethora of Euro-trash art-fart bullshit posing as metaphoric art. But as long as they pay me well, I'll flash my tits anywhere and any time. How long was it since my first Best Tits Oscar? 9 Years! Last time I had to share my win with that French floozy, so it's really nice to be the only winner this time around - and the first Best Tits repeat winner, I might add! And again I came out on top in one of the toughest years ever. Nadia and Kate: better luck next time. And you Meredith, there are rumours you failed to win the Oscar this year only because you showed just one tit. That'll teach you to be shy when trying to titilate audiences. Come on, girl, you gotta take both tits out! As for Jane, you had real actual sex in those porn scenes in The Lover, you know you did! Quit bullshitting your fans, we all saw his dick going inside, you dumb bimbo. And you would have done it again this year, except that Bruce Willis had his wife on the set all the time."


Romane Bohringer in "Total Eclipse"

Holly Marie Combs in "A Reason To Believe" & Amira Casar in "Ainsi soient elles"

Marie Gillain in "L'appat"

Sonia Braga in "Two Deaths"

Vivian Hsu in "Devil Angel" & Molly Ringwald in "Malicious"

Tiziana Lodato in "Starmaker"

Natasha Henstridge in "Species"

Marika Lagercrantz in "All Things Fair" & Dante McCarthy in "Showgirls"

Priscilla Barnes in "The Crossing Guard" (left) + "Mallrats" (right)

Linda Jelemma in "Walhalla"

Katja Riemann in "Stadtgesprach" & Georgina Cates in "An Awfully Big Adventure"

Shannon Whirry in "Private Obsession"

Dinara Drukarova in "The Son Of Gascogne"

Cynda Williams in "Condition Red"

Renata Dancewicz in "Pulkownik Kwiatkowski"

Rose McGowan in "The Doom Generation"

Sophie Marceau in "Beyond the Clouds" & Tina Kellegher in "The Hanging Gale"

And The Best Tits Award Goes To...

Mimi Rogers in "Full Body Massage"

Acceptance Speech: "For those of you who still don't believe in the miraculous healing power of Scientology, just take a look at my tits, won't you?... My my my, where do I even begin?... First of all, I'd like to thank my Grand Wizard & Lord of the Universe Mister L. Ron Hubbard, for all that he has done for me and my tiny brain by deleting all the awful alien memories from it. Only with a totally new and empty brain was I able to re-kindle my movie career and climb the height that is this amazing award. After all, didn't Hitchcock once say that actors were all cows? Well, not only am I a cow that now perfectly remembers her lines again (coz Scientologist lobotomies are of the highest quality in the world), but I am also a real cow with great big tits, and what cow wouldn't be proud of being honoured for its milk-producing teats? Not that I planned to have either kids or milk when I was married with Tom (Cruise), mind you, coz he doesn't swing that way. All he ever did with my breasts was hold a tea cup and wait for milk to come down! I had to explain to the dummie that my tits are big not coz of the milk - that wasn't there - but because God Hubbard had made them that way in order for me to conquer the movie world. I also reminded him that boobs are supposed to be sexual objects, but he didn't like me even mentiong that, and he started vomiting for days after that and stopped only after Travolta came to sexually take him from behind. Anyway... I am thrilled to win in such a highly competitive year such as this, actually beating Romane and Shannon. As for you, Molly, why did you take them out so late in your career? The 80s gave you everything, but now you realize that looking like an angst-ridden teen at the age of 30 isn't exactly helping matters. Perhaps you should join us... Join us. JOIN US! I beckon you ALLLLLL to JOIN US!!! Master Hubbard will fulfill ALL your wishes, and once he is done with your tiny brains, they will be even tinier hence even more suitable for acting, and you shall thank his Royal Hugeness for it, and beg to lick his feet! I know I did."


Thandie Newton in "The Leading Man" & Jasmin Tabatabai in "Die Putzfrauinsel"

Karen Sillas & Azalea Davila in "Female Perversions" & Sonia Braga in "Tieta do Agreste"

Marcia Cross in "Female Perversions" & Romane Bohringer in "L'appartement"

Angelina Jolie in "Mojave Moon" (left) + "Foxfire" (right)

Marion Cotillard in "Chloe"

Sissi Perlinger in "Der letzte Kurier" & Natascha McElhone in "Surviving Picasso"

Cecilia Nash in "Rentners Rente" & Amanda Ooms in "Wilderness"

Therese Scholze in "Mensch Pia"

Raelee Hill in "Hotel de Love"

Katarzyna Figura in "Autoportret z kochanka"

Tanya Celaya in "Tres dias de libertad"

Leslie Zemeckis in "Encounters" (top and middle) + "Damien's Seed"

Nina Hoss in "A Girl Called Rosemarie"

And The Winner Is...

Shannon Whirry in "Ringer"

Acceptance Speech: "A big wet juicy B-movie kiss to all the Academy voters who made this dream come true. Losing to Mimi Rogers last year was a bitter pill to swallow because everyone tells me I have the best tits in Hollywood. But after faking sex in dozens of low-budget pieces of shit, it is a huge relief to finally get some respect for it, namely from all of you guys. Sissi, better luck next time. And Romane, if you wanna finally win this award you need to start showing more tits, not less. But hey, I'm not complaining; when my greatest competition only shyly reveals a bit of a breast here and a bit of a breast there, that leaves me with the trophy."


Yvonne Scio in "Redline"

Thandie Newton in "Gridlock'd" & Lisa Harrow in "Sunday"

Penelope Cruz in "Abre los ojos" & Jennifer Connelly in "Inventing the Abbots"

Veronica Ferres in "Rossini"

Sasha Hails in "See the Sea"

Jaime Pressly in "Poison Ivy"

Stefania Rocca in "Nirvana", Ilona Elkin in "The Hunger"

Annette Frier in "Post-mortem"

Bonnie-Jaye Lawrence in "Maslin Beach"

Agnieszka Wlodarczyk in "Sara"

Katharina Schuttler in "Ausgerastet"

Heather Graham in "Boogie Nights" & Charlize Theron in "The Devil's Advocate"

Crystal Cass in "The Outer Limits"

Rose McGowan in "Lewis & Clark & George" & Claire Keim in "J'irai au paradis car l'enfer est ici"

Jeannie Millar in "Black Scorpion 2" & Camilla Renschke in "Tatort: Inflagranti"

Mary Kapper in "Night Vision"

And The Best Tits Oscar Goes To...

Susanne Bormann in "Raus aus der Haut"

Acceptance Speech: "Mein Gott! Das kann doch nicht wahr sein, oder? Ich wusste dass meine Karierre so rapide katapultiert sobald ich meine Muschi and meine obergeile Titten der nerdischen Filmwelt zeige, aber haette ich das erwartet? Nie und nimmer! Was fur ein Jahr! Penelopes und Lisas Titten zu schlagen, was fur ein Traum! Aber noch schoner ist es nicht eine sondern gleich zwei Deutsche Frauen zu schlagen - und wenn ich mich nicht irre macht das 4 Deutsche Titten uber denen ich siege, wow. Anyway, I try in English now... This award is so great, it makes me believe that I make art not just for money and fame, but for Best Tits awards as well, so my career ist now perfekt. Und du, Jenny, wenn you willst to winnen noch eine Awarden, du needst to show both Titten, otherwise du don't getst nominated."


Stefania Rocca in "Viola" + "Amiche Davvero" (lower left)

Paulina Porizkova in "Thursday" & Carla Gugino in "Jaded"

Thandie Newton in "Besieged"

Vanessa Guedj in "Lautrec"

Angelina Jolie in "Gia" & Asia Argento in "B. Monkey" (photo) + "New Rose Hotel"

Adjoa Andoh in "Close Relations"

Emily Mortimer in "Coming Home"

Laura Tonke in "Just Married"

Franziska Petri in "Annas Fluch: Todliche Gedanken" & Lara-Joy Korner in "Todliche Diamanten"

Leslie Lindsay (Zemeckis) in "Restless Souls"

Rosanna Arquette in "Voodoo Dawn" & Cosma Shiva Hagen "Der Laden"

And The Best Tits Oscar Winner Is...

Sophie Guillemin in "L'ennui"

Acceptance Speech: "Je suis tres heureux que la France gagne tant souvent cette statuette magnifique. Mais tout le monde sait deja que les films francaises sont absolutement decadent, et ont beaucoup de perversite, de l'incest, de violence sexuelle, et tout d'autre subjects taboos et mechants qui existent. Je suis fier que je fait encore un autre film francais qui a un histoire d'une jeune fille quelle baise avec un laid homme d'age moyen. C'est quelle nombre de films francais dans lequelle une lolita baise une homme vieillissement? 1593? Oui, cette nombre semble etre realistique."


Julienne Davis in "Eyes Wide Shut" & Greta Scacchi in "Cotton Mary"

Kate Winslet in "Holy Smoke" (above) + "Hideous Kinky" (below)

Kelly Monaco in "Idle Hands" (the one with the big tits) & Marie Gillain in "Le dernier harem" (the one with the small tits)

Isild le Besco in "Le choix d'Elodie"

Emmanuelle Seigner in "The Ninth Gate" & Thora Birch in "American Beauty"

Rene Russo in "The Thomas Crown Affair" (above) & Lara Belmont in "The War Zone"

Carole Mackereth in "Total Recall 2070"

Claire Skinner in "Second Sight" & Lorri Bagley in "Trick"

Heike Makatsch in "Aimee & Jaguar" & Dijn Blom in "Jezus is een Palestijn"

Jenya Lano in "Fashionably L.A." & Katharina Bohm in "Commissario Montalbano"

Sacha Horler in "Soft Fruit"

Nicole Ansari in "A Show biz ans Ende"

Elia Galera in "The Ugliest Woman in the World"

Manuela Arcuri in "Pepe Carvalho: Alla ricerca de Sheherazade"

Gaela Le Devehat in "Les infortunes de la beaute"

And The Winner Of The Best Tits Oscar Is...

Gretchen Mol in "Forever Mine"

Acceptance Speech: "I am delighted to pick up this award, even though I know most other girls take it a little too seriously. Thank you to everyone who supported me throughout my career, and please don't forget to also check out Vjetropev's other award-winning boobs, from the 70s and 80s. Those gals had pretty nice breasts too, and some of them went on to become quite famous."

Best Tits Oscars 2000-2001: 

To find out some sordid details about cinema legend Humphrey Bogart, read this text: